Worry

Let me preface this post by saying, I've never before feared nothing and everything at the same time. It's an odd and annoying feeling to fear nothing and yet be worried by everything. It's very peculiar. 

I worry about stupid things and don't fear things I used to dread. Like needles. I was that kid who had to be pinned down by 5 nurses in order to get a shot. The thought of needles would make my stomach curl and my head light. Never would I have donated blood or go to acupuncture. Yeah acupuncture. I actually did that. I think she put around 20 needles in my abdomen and legs and I didn't bat an eye. 

No fear compares to losing a baby, except one. The thought of losing another baby. That fear paralyzes me and causes me to wake up in the night sweating. It has been hard enough to lose one baby, but to lose two seems unbearable. Yet, some people have learned to carry that burden. I don't know how. I don't know how I'm surviving now. 

It's this feeling of inadequacy of not being able to give birth to a living baby that has me overly sensitive to some things or people. This feeling is what's causing my anxiety and it sucks. I constantly question everything I do. I have this open wound where my heart should be and I'm waiting for it to scab over. Except in the meantime, the parasitic feeling of worry is eating at the wound, forcing it to grow bigger. That's why I'm irritated. That's why my shoulders carry the burden and stress of my feelings. That's why I can't relax or breathe or even get pregnant like I want. It's all consuming. 

I've decided to take control of my anxiety. I have a new therapist, started seeing an acupuncturist, and treated myself to a massage. I want my mind and body to be ready to give my all to my next pregnancy and my next baby, no matter the outcome. 

Donation

Dear Eve, 

I can't help but think about your godmother's speech at your memorial. She said she would teach you about giving back to others. She's a very good example of that because she volunteers for a crisis hotline and works with foster children. 

Your dad and I give back in our own ways too. Your dad donates blood and I decided to crochet hats for other stillborns and donate them to the hospital where you were born. We both always donate to the kitties at Pet Smart. 

You may not be here physically, but you give back to me and your dad through little messages and incidents. That is what gives us the courage and inspiration to give back in your name.  

As I wrote you before, I decided to crochet baby hats for the stillborns at our local hospital. I have over twenty hats so far. I plan to wash them in baby detergent and seal them so the mothers can have a smell to remember their babies by. I'm going to call them Genevieve's Gifts, unless you inspire me to come up with another name. 

Every message you send, fills me with joy. I'm excited for your next message and hope it will be soon. I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

Yesterday

Dear Eve Believe, 

I know you were with me last night. I saw Theresa Caputo, the Long Island medium. There was a point where she was listing off facts from several stories. She said the numbers 3 and 17 appeared and the organs filled with fluid and someone dropped dead. She was describing you and Grandma Muggy. I know you are together. 

I got your message after the show too. I felt like you were saying, " mom, I don't need a medium to talk to you. I do it all the time." I know you told me that. I love you. Maybe I was crazy for going. I don't know. I'm glad I went. 

Your garden is growing wonderfully. I'm so proud. Your daddy is helping me with it. It's going to look awesome!  

I love you so much. I will love and miss you always. 

Love always,

Mommy

Easter

Dear Genevieve Pearl,

On Friday, you would have been 4 months old. Of course I forgot on the day and so I feel like a terrible mother. In some ways, I think you would have preferred I forgot the months. I know you want nothing but happiness for me, just as I want the same for you. 

Today is Easter and I so would have put bunny ears on you. I would have made you a ridiculously large Easter basket that you wouldn't have appreciated and painted Easter eggs that you probably wouldn't be able to hold. I'm not sure what you can do at four months and I haven't looked it up because I know it will only bring me pain to do so.  We would have had a wonderful Easter.  Instead I will be spending it working in the garden and watching Alice in Wonderland. 

I saw you today. I went out to water the garden and there you were. I don't recalling seeing the little flowers yesterday when I watered the plants. I know it was you. You knew I needed a little reminder that we are never truly apart and there it was, in the form of tiny white flowers. Thank you. 

I hope you have a wonderful Easter with Jesus. Give Grandma Muggy and Aunt Darlene a hug and a kiss. I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy