Hope

Dear Sweet Eve Believe,

I have a feeling I might be pregnant. It's scary writing down because what if I'm wrong? I know this is private between you and I (and the few people I share it with), but  I'm still scared of writing it down. I'm scared because it means I have hope and I don't want to loose it. 

Your godmother says I have an internal battle between fear and hope and it's up to me to decide who wins.  It's easier to let fear win, and since it's easier you know it's the wrong path. So naturally, I want hope to win. People can't live without hope. I don't want to live without hope. However, in my dreams it seems fear is winning. 

I worry this monster lived within me and one day it will come out and take over. I'll be shriveled, and in a corner of myself. The beast will be free and create more havoc, more fear. I need to figure out how to slay this monster. I don't think it'll ever be fully extinguished, but I think having your brother or sister (or both- c'mon, mama wants twins) will help.   I do better facing things head on. 

Writing to you always makes me feel better. I often snuggle your blanket to bring me comfort. The kitties also like your blanket. I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

Rainbow babies

Dear Genevieve,

I've been told the baby after a loss is called the rainbow baby. It signifies that a storm has come and even though the storm isn't forgot, the rainbow is a symbol of hope for brighter days ahead. As you know, I've been trying to get pregnant with a rainbow baby, either Violet Eve or Beau Everett. And as you know, it's been frustrating. 

I was hoping it would only take 4 cycles like it did with you. I'm now on cycle 7. The first few cycles were wonky and so this would technically be my third normal cycle, but it is annoying none the less. I do everything I did to get pregnant with you, and added more tracking and tests. One might think that I would get pregnant even faster now because I know so much more. One would be wrong. 

I've decided that after this cycle, if I'm not pregnant, I'm done trying for awhile. I sincerely hope I become pregnant, but if I'm not, I'm done trying so hard. 

I've been imagining my rainbow baby, and I'm excited to become pregnant with him or her. I will find out right away if it's a boy or a girl, and I really look forward to bonding with the new baby. 

I hope and pray this is my cycle. I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

Em

Dear Genevieve, 

On Thursday, I visited my friend and her baby. This was the baby I asked you to look after. I was very nervous to meet her because I didn't know how I would feel seeing her. I planned to be there for only an hour and I told your dad he HAD to answer the phone when I left in case I needed him. Well, I didn't stay there an hour. I stayed there four. 

It was so interesting holding Emily. She wiggled and made faces. I wasn't expecting it, because you didn't do that when I held you. Even though I know she was alive and you were not, it still came as a surprise. She was so sweet. My friend let me snuggle on her and feed her. It was all stuff I wasn't really able to do with you. 

There were a few times that I started to tear up because I missed you. But mostly, I felt inspired. I hoped I would  and I was pleased I was. I learned that I am ready to be pregnant. Before I desperately wanted to be pregnant, and now I know I'm ready. 

I know a pregnancy after losing you will be difficult. I know it will be scary. I know I will have freak out moments where I am convinced that the baby has died. I know all of this, and I'm still ready. I'm ready because I know when I see your brother or sister wiggling in my arms and screaming his or her head off that it was all worth it. 

I'm sure seeing a live baby will cause me to miss you even more, but I know a part of you will be living through your siblings. I know you will be looking after him or her.  And I know you will be protecting him or her. I'm ready for all of it and I finally feel confident that a healthy baby is coming to me. 

I'm sure there will be times that I forget that and feel beaten and lost. My hope is that in those times you will remind me that my happy and healthy baby is coming to me. Please remind me that you are always watching and that you love me. Sometimes it's hard to remember. 

I love you and miss you always baby girl. 

Love,

Mommy

The Dentist

Dear Genevieve,

Today I have to go to the dentist. I am not fond of the dentist. When you go to the dentist, they have you sit in this chair they lean back, you open your mouth uncomfortably wide, and they shine a bright light in your face.  Then they get out all their torture equipment. 

I have to get a cleaning today. The hygentist pokes and prods at your gums and teeth, and gives you a lecture on the importance of flossing. I always end up bleeding from being poked with sharp, metal objects. I usually always have cavities too. It doesn't matter how much I brush, I always end up having them. We come from a family of weak teeth. Soon, I'll be the only person in my immediate family with teeth. 

I dread going to the dentist because there's always some amount of pain involved. After all the torture devices are put away, I leave with a sore jaw from having my mouth open for a ridiculously long time. I'd much rather be in labor than go to the dentist. 

Post Dentist Update: I talked about you at my cleaning today. My gums were sensitive so I have special toothpaste to help with that. The best news though was: no cavities!! Neither your dad or I had cavities! I now don't have to go to the dentist for another six months!! 

I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

Missing You

Dear Eve Believe,

I just miss you. I want you to come back to me. I want to hold you and kiss you and cuddle you. I'm tired of trying to get pregnant again because I shouldn't have to start over. I should just have you. If you lived, you would have probably been my only baby. I would have been so happy with only you. We would have been so happy with only you. Now, trying to have another baby seems impossible. It only took me four cycles to get pregnant with you. It's now my 7th cycle.  I try to think positively about it and I'm trying to change my focus, but next to you, trying to get pregnant is my most common thought of the day.  

My most common thought is always about you. I wonder how much you would have grown and changed. Would you look more like me, your dad, or both of us? Would you have a full head of dark or blonde hair? What color would your eyes be? Would you have dimples? What would your favorite food be? Would I still be breastfeeding you? Would you be a good sleeper?  All these questions float in my mind, and I won't learn any of the answers for a long time. 

So I wonder how much longer is going to take for me to get pregnant? When I get pregnant, will I get to bring home a baby? What are the next nine months going to be like? Will I be able to hold it together? What if this baby dies too? Am I even ready to get pregnant again? These questions I could have an answer to in the near future and so I sit here impatiently for the answers. 

I feel so helpless. I can't control anything. I couldn't control you dying. I can't control getting pregnant. I have no control and I hate it. I want to be able to help the process, but I can't seem to do that right either. I've been trying so hard to think positively because giving positive energy helps to return positive energy. Sometimes I feel I am foolish. Why would I get positive things? I was a good person before and you still died.  I tried so hard to protect you and I couldn't save you. I'm so frustrated, Eve Believe. 

Please help your mommy out. It feels as if your far away and I haven't gotten a sign from you in a long time. If you are giving them and I'm just not seeing them, help me open my eyes. I can use all the help you can give. I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy