Dear Genevieve,
The past few years without you have been tough. Tough is an understatement. At times, life has been completely unbearable and at other times its been just plain hard. There aren't words to explain how difficult it has been, even three years later, or how much it still hurts or how daunting it is to think about how my life continues to move forward and you aren't moving forward with me. And there are no magic words to make it better or right or anything. It just hurts. There is a huge, gaping hole and even though three years have past since I last held you, it hasn't gotten easier. It still hurts just as much as when I was told there was no heartbeat.
Dealing with two early losses after having you, is incredibly maddening. So much has been taken from me, and as other people who have walked this journey have received a rainbow, I am still here. Stuck. Baby-less. Out of all of the people who I met when I first lost you, your dad and I are still the only ones without our rainbow. It's so lonely. Growing up, we tell kids they are special. Well, you know what? I am tired of being so damn special. I don't know anyone who has been through what we've been through and I am sick of going through it. I am exhausted of constantly fighting. And I don't want to be the strongest person I know any more. Someone else can do it.
It has been hard enough to yearn to hold you, but for us to deal with secondary infertility on top of it feels like the universe is kicking us in the stomach when we've already been knocked out. It constantly feels like I am taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I get pregnant, but it's a blighted ovum. I get pregnant again, and the baby never develops a heart beat. I've lost weight, I've changed my diet, I exercise quite a bit, I see a reproductive endocrinologist, and yet I still have no rainbow and the aspect of having one seems to be ever-escaping.
Here's a perfect example of it: I was cleared by the rheumatologist I was seeing to do IVF. My blood work came back border line and I may develop lupus at some point, but not today and so I am healthy enough to do IVF. Yay! I also had my DHEAS blood work done and my numbers were under 200 at 131 so now I can set up the final IVF consult. Yay! I asked the doctor to run my AMH level again. This is the one that showed I had the ovarian reserve of a 37 year old because my number was 1.59 instead of 3.1. This time my number was 0.5. It dropped dramatically over the course of a few months. Two steps forward, one step back.
I am guessing stress has something to do with it. Doesn't it always? I've been very stressed about this testing season. I haven't been sleeping as much and feeling very irritable, which is precisely why I did not want to teach a testing grade. I said as much too, but my health, well being, or the fact I've been trying to get pregnant did not matter much to the administration. What mattered is that it's easier to find a first grade teacher than a third grade one so I was moved. It hurts my heart to think about it.
I am not sure what else I can do. I am starting to lose hope.
I love you and miss you.
Love,
Mom
