I want to start with how sweet of you to care so much about my feelings and understand I have not gone down an easy road with having a stillborn, secondary infertility, and two failed IVF attempts. And trust me when I say, I get why it might be awkward to tell me your good news when I have had such crappy news of my own. But there are good ways to tell me and ways that are just hurtful.
Finding out on social media is the worst. That one hurts. A lot. Mostly because it comes out of nowhere for me. It feels like I am walking down the street and someone comes up and sucker punches me in the gut. It is not as bad as it was before and now I can "unfollow" and go about my day. I get it, not everyone in the world is going to come to me and tell me they are pregnant, but if you want to hurt someone whose gone through what I have, that is definitely the way to do it.
Honestly, finding out from anyone other than the person who is pregnant is really hurtful. I have a couple of cousins who became pregnant and both had their moms tell my mom, who told my husband to tell me. Now let me explain to you why this method is not okay. First and foremost, I am not a child. I am not going to break because someone else is pregnant. Will I feel bad for myself? Absolutely. But I am capable of feeling more than one emotion at a time. It is possible to feel happy for someone else and still bummed about my situation. Telling my mother to tell me is incredibly inappropriate and quite frankly, cowardly. If you care enough about my feelings and respect what I have gone through, respect me enough to tell me yourself.
One of my very good friends is having her third rainbow. I didn't find out until halfway through her pregnancy because she was terrified to tell me. She didn't want to make me feel worse than I already was because I was going through the failed IVF cycles, but she did tell me. I was sad she didn't tell me right way, but I get it. She really, really cared about me and knew I was hurting. The difference between how I found out about my cousins and how I found out about her was that she did tell me herself. Yes, it was later, and I so appreciate the courage she had to tell me. It showed me how much she did care.
The best way to tell me you're pregnant is through a text or an instant message. It allows me to react however I am going to without an audience and I will respond when I am ready. It might not be right away, but I will most likely respond at some point. Maybe. I will respect you significantly more than if you choose a different way. Other loss parents, people dealing with infertility, or what-have-you may prefer a different method, but I have found messaging me directly is the best way to tell me. It says, "I love you, I don't want to hurt you, I respect what you've been through, and I want you to know my good news."
