Lost

Dear Eve Believes,

I feel so lost and confused. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I think I'm having an identity crisis. I don't know what I want anymore. Please help me. 

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actress. I felt like it was what I was meant to do. Every so often I get the acting bug itch. I think I'm getting one now because I'm wondering if I could do it. What do I have to lose besides a ton of money on other things? Not to mention I will probably be rejected 100's of times. I just wish someone could "discover" me in a supermarket or something. 

I like teaching, but I'm concerned about staying at this school. The principal doesn't appear to have any respect for our contract.  Teachers have one of the most thankless jobs there are, not to mention, we're underpaid. The least she could do is respect us and our contract. 

I still like the idea of owning my own business too. I like creating things.  I like taking materials and turning them into something better. 

I'm so confused, Eve Believes. I'm even questioning if I want to keep trying to have a baby right now. I know I can doing any of the things as a mom, I just feel so conflicted. I don't know what I want and I hate that feeling. Since you can see the bigger picture, please guide me to what I should do or who I should be. 

I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

June 3

Dear Genevieve,

On June 3rd you turned 6 months. I can't believe it's been 6 months since I've held you in my arms. I don't know how I got here. Time seems to escape me. 

The day was horrible. I woke up with a feeling of dread. My heart was filled with sorrow and my eyes were wet with tears. It hit me a lot harder than I imagined or could prepare for in advance. I felt broken and defeated. I ugly cried. Your dad cried. We lit a lantern in memory of you. After it went up a distance, it turned black and fell to the earth. Good thing it rained earlier because otherwise we would have set someone's yard on fire. 

It was symbolic of this journey. When we started some of it was getting burnt but then it went fine. Just like when your lung filled with fluid, but then you were better. The balloon turned black and fell from the sky. Your organs filled with fluid, but instead of falling, you flew to heaven. 

I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy