It's been awhile

Dear Genevieve,

I haven't written to you in awhile.  That is not to say I don't think about you because I do that all the time.  I think about how you'd be walking and running.  I am sure you would be saying "mama" and "dada" among other things by now.  You'd be eating people food.  We'd work on potty training.  You would have had 3 Christmases and 2 Halloweens.  Your dad and I would begin thinking about pre-k in the next year or so.  You're always on my mind.

I have to say I am grateful that you do not have to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president.  I am grateful I don't have to explain how someone so horrible and petty came to power over the free world.  I am grateful you do not have live in fear, like I do.

It has been a struggle.  I struggle to understand my role in this new world order, which I guess is not that new, but I am seeing the old world in a new way.  I am grateful you do not have to grow up in this world, and yet I still want to have a baby.  That is a huge internal battle for me.  I am not sure what I should do.

Part of me wants to crawl under a rock and hide until it is all over and the other part wants me to fight. I mean that sentence in different ways.  As far as society, part of me wants to pull the covers up and just focus on happy-go-lucky things and not pay attention to what is happening in this world.  The other part of me says, "You will absolutely do what is right.  You're students need you too.  Others need you too.  You're baby is watching you and you are going to make her proud."  In regards to trying to conceive, part of me says that I have to keep doing all the tests and actively trying.  The other part says, "OMG leave me alone!"

I think for some people one dilemma (if you would call it that) has clearer answers than the other.  I guess I feel like one decision would lead to another.  For example, if I am unhappy with the world, why bring a baby into it?  Or I could ignore what is happening around me and focus on getting pregnant.  That option would not go over well.  I am a rebel at heart and I can't sit back and pretend monstrosities are not happening around me.  Why can I have/do both the things I want?  Why does this all have to be so complicated?

I don't think there is a correct answer to this, or if there is, I haven't figure it out yet.

I love you and miss you always,

Mommy