The Trigger Shot

Dear Eve Believe,

Part of this IUI experience requires me to give myself a shot.  It may seem like no big deal, but with my history of needles, it was a big deal.  When I was younger, I was terrified of them.  Even the thought of getting a shot or having to get blood drawn would make me hyperventilate.  When I was really little, I would run away and hide.  The nurses would have to drag me out and then hold me down in order to get a shot.  Yeah. I was that kid.

 When I was in high school the National Honors Society was having a blood drive.  Everyone with a cabinet position was supposed to help run it, and I was the only one not to do it.  I would have rather gone to class all day then help with the blood drive.  In college, I would look in the other direction when they would have blood drives in the dorms.  I was usually on my way to get lunch and I would feel nauseous eating it.

Let's do this!

I always hoped I wouldn't be diabetic because I didn't know how anyone could poke themselves with  needles.  And as I found out yesterday, they do it pretty easily.  I was told the needle in the trigger shot is similar to the ones used when administering insulin.  I was told it was not going to hurt, but I think the anxiety of the idea of giving myself a shot mixed with the denial that I was as nervous as a I was, blew it up in my head.  So when I took a chunk of stomach one inch from my belly button and stuck myself, the thought that came up was, "Dude, that doesn't hurt at all." Yes.  I thought the word "Dude."

I pushed down the syringe and thought to myself that it wasn't that bad, and then it started to burn.  I started to feel a little dizzy and told myself I was going to finish this shot.  So I did.  I mean, I guess it is not that impressive being that I was by myself and there was no way your dad could help me since he was still at work.  But gosh darn it, I did it!  I am very proud of myself, if you can't tell.  :)

I don't think I am very good at it based on that red spot.

Now that the worse part (so far) is done, I go in for procedure this Sunday.  My anxiety and hopefulness is rolled together in a ball that is currently sitting in my stomach.  After the procedure, I have to wait the dreaded two weeks.  The best part (not) is that I will feel like I am pregnant for the next two weeks because of the lovely trigger shot.  I also can't test early because the trigger shot produces positive pregnancy tests.  I have to wait 14 days to test.

What day might you ask is 14 days from the day of the procedure?  Why, that would be Mother's Day.  Yes. That's right.  Mother's Day.  I found out the day before Mother's Day when I was pregnant with baby Raine.  I mean how wonderful would that be if it was positive on Mother's Day? Then again, how terrible would it be if it was negative on Mother's Day?  I mean the day already stinks because I don't get to spend it with you.  So I am torn about it all, and I am sure  I will take the entire 14 days to think about it and over analyze the entire thing, while feeling pregnancy symptoms the whole time.  Fun.  I need a glass of wine thinking about it.

I love you and think of you.  Always.

Love,

Mom

Sick

Dear Genevieve,

I am currently in bed.  I should be educating the youth of America, but instead I am curled up under my blanket with my tablet, wishing my head ache and stomach pain would go away.  I think it is safe to say that my body is not a fan of the letrozole the doctor put me on.  Stupid body.  You like what I tell you like (foot stomp) dammit!

For most of the past 24 hours I have been in the fetal position clenching my stomach.  I've taken this medication in the past, but this dose is doubled what I took before.  I guess one of the side effects is gas pain/bloating, the kind over the counter medication does not help with, the kind that leaves a 30 year old in the fetal position  hoping this dang iui works the first time because this stinks.  I tried everything too.  Yoga (that was painful), walking, drinking water, eating crackers, hot baths, over the counter medication, and the list goes on.  Sunday Fun Day I think not.

After that episode, I am left today with a pounding headache and gurgling tummy.   Today is my last dose of the medication, fingers cross it gets better and not worse!  Thank goodness I am going to acupuncture today.  My acupuncturist will fix me right up.  If you would have told me a few years ago I would be going to an acupuncturist, I would have laughed at you because me and needles do not mix.  Now, I can tell when I miss a week.  Still not a fan of needles, but giving birth to you gave me a whole new perspective.

Before my body decided to be mean to me, your daddy and I worked in the garden!  Before we were working with pallets, and now we have decided to work with cinder blocks.  It is still your Alice in Wonderland theme and each plot will have the color scheme of a character from the Disney cartoon.   We've been weeding and putting down mulch.  The wonders of read mulch... We have completed the Red Queen plot and put mulch all around the tree.  The next plot will be the Cheshire Cat.  I wish this was your nursery theme instead of the garden theme, and I am trying to appreciate the joy of using my creativity this way to honor you.  I hope you look on the garden with pride.  Except last summer, don't look on with pride then, it was a mess. And really now, you can look at the tree with pride, and the red queen plot with pride, and the trees behind it with pride.  The rest of it you may look on with dismay and say "hop to it, mommy."  But really you should probably not say that to me either because I am the mom and you're the baby.  Just know I love you and I am fixing the garden up to grow things in and hopefully your future siblings will appreciate it.

I think of you and love you always.

Love,
Mom

New Hope

Dear Infertility,

This is just a friendly letter to inform you that you suck.  Seriously.  You are a thief of hopes and dreams. You're all around terrible.  Just. So. You. Know.

I know what you do.  First, you search for people of good character who would be excellent parents.  Then, you sneak around when they do not suspect it and snatch their hope.  You hold it for ransom. Jerk.

Well, I've decided you are not allowed to take my hope.  I am keeping it.  I've gone too long and been through too much to let someone the likes of you get in my way.  I'm an angel mom, and there isn't anything harder than that.  Not. Even. You.

So I will go to my doctor's appointments, I will take that medication, and I will stick myself with needles.  And I will get to bring home my rainbow baby.  You watch me.  It's happening.

Sincerely,
HBIC


I feel so much better writing that.  I can hardly believe I am going through my first cycle of IUI.  I am nervous and excited.  I have a newfound hope.  I walked into the office and was very excited to see this sign that read "Believe in the Possibilities".  It reminded me of my Eve Believe.  It was as if she sent this sign just for me, just to put a smile on my face.  I love that little girl.

I have a feeling this process will be a whirlwind.  I just went to my first ultrasound appointment.  Apparently, I have a good looking uterus and ovaries.  Note to ovaries and uterus: stay that way.

Medication starts tomorrow evening and I am not looking forward to that.  I am hoping I do not have any side effects.  I am guessing since it will mess with my hormones that it will.  Side note: how does one get pregnant so easily the first time and then it becomes increasingly difficult?  I thought people are supposed to be the opposite...

My next appointment is the 28th.  I am hoping everything still looks perfect and I only have to go through this one time.  Fingers crossed.