So you're pregnant and you want me to know, but you're also afraid of hurting me

I want to start with how sweet of you to care so much about my feelings and understand I have not gone down an easy road with having a stillborn, secondary infertility, and two failed IVF attempts.  And trust me when I say, I get why it might be awkward to tell me your good news when I have had such crappy news of my own. But there are good ways to tell me and ways that are just hurtful.

Finding out on social media is the worst.  That one hurts.  A lot.  Mostly because it comes out of nowhere for me.  It feels like I am walking down the street and someone comes up and sucker punches me in the gut.   It is not as bad as it was before and now I can "unfollow" and go about my day.  I get it, not everyone in the world is going to come to me and tell me they are pregnant, but if you want to hurt someone whose gone through what I have, that is definitely the way to do it.

 Honestly, finding out from anyone other than the person who is pregnant is really hurtful.  I have a couple of cousins who became pregnant and both had their moms tell my mom, who told my husband to tell me.  Now let me explain to you why this method is not okay.  First and foremost, I am not a child.  I am not going to break because someone else is pregnant.  Will I feel bad for myself?  Absolutely.  But I am capable of feeling more than one emotion at a time.  It is possible to feel happy for someone else and still bummed about my situation.  Telling my mother to tell me is incredibly inappropriate and quite frankly, cowardly.  If you care enough about my feelings and respect what I have gone through, respect me enough to tell me yourself.

One of my very good friends is having her third rainbow.  I didn't find out until halfway through her pregnancy because she was terrified to tell me.  She didn't want to make me feel worse than I already was because I was going through the failed IVF cycles, but she did tell me.  I was sad she didn't tell me right way, but I get it.  She really, really cared about me and knew I was hurting.  The difference between how I found out about my cousins and how I found out about her was that she did tell me herself.  Yes, it was later, and I so appreciate the courage she had to tell me.  It showed me how much she did care.

The best way to tell me you're pregnant is through a text or an instant message.  It allows me to react however I am going to without an audience and I will respond when I am ready.  It might not be right away, but I will most likely respond at some point.  Maybe.  I will respect you significantly more than if you choose a different way.  Other loss parents, people dealing with infertility, or what-have-you may prefer a different method, but I have found messaging me directly is the best way to tell me.  It says, "I love you, I don't want to hurt you, I respect what you've been through, and I want you to know my good news." 

The thing you're not told about IVF

My second round of stim medication was much more successful than the first.  The first only gave me 2 eggs, one did not fertilize, and the other one did and then stopped.  This time I produced 6 eggs, 3 of them fertilized right away, and 2 hadn't at the time but I shouldn't count them out.

Last time, I did 29 injections and my doctor thought maybe it overloaded my body and I wasn't able to produce very much.  This time I took an oral medication for 6 days with an injection in the evenings.  Once I stopped the oral meds, I had one injection in the morning and one in the evening.  Last time, I didn't have bruises.  This time my stomach looked like this:

But you know what, if it gets me my take home baby, I'll take it. And it definitely gave me better results.  Look how happy I am when I found out they retrieved six eggs:

I'm wearing that oxygen mask because apparently when I am put under to do the procedure, I stop breathing.  I get assisted breathing and I am the only person in the whole office that gets this special treatment (because I am the only one in the whole office who needs the special treatment).

What I was not told was how much you crash when they take out your eggs.  Last time, it was the end of the school year so I was busy with that and most teachers are "over it" by that time anyway.  Plus, the hormone protocol I was given, obviously wasn't very good as I didn't react to it.  This time, the crash has been awful.  I get it, I produced all these hormones and then the things with the hormones come out and now it's like my body is falling off a cliff while trying to develop wings to fly.  Think postpartum.  Think menopausal.  Think Hell.  Cause that is what it is.  I definitely don't feel like myself.  Then I get upset that I don't feel like myself, which causes me to be upset that I am upset, and so on and so forth. Then logic tries to step in and tell me everything is going to be alright and it's just the lack of hormones and I am like "Shut up logic, you know nothing! NOTHING!!! It is clearly the end of the world."

And I get to experience this until my cycle starts over (please be soon, please be soon).  So I am excited about the 3 embryos and possible 2 more, I am ready for it to be Saturday around lunch time to see how they did, I have no hormones (I mean I do, but I'm not feeling them), and I am currently hiding in the nursery because even the cats are annoying me.

Again, if this brings me my take home baby, it will all be worth it.

Twas the Night Before Injection One

Dear Eve Believe,

Today I went to do my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  This will give the doctor something to compare my other blood work to as this process continues.  I know I have snapped this picture before, but it reminds me of you.  And... I am attempting to be optimistic.

Here's a picture of me waiting to get the exam... because... yay, this is finally happening?

Everything looks good so I have the go ahead to start injections tomorrow.  In the morning, I will be mixing and injecting Menopur and in the evening I will be injecting Gonal F.  I've reviewed, in my head, multiple times how to mix the Menopur and I hoping it will go smoothly.

I've also read tons of blogs about tips and tricks about Menopur because I've read it burns.  The game plan is to mix the Menopur when I get up and let it sit for 10 or so minutes before injecting it.  I also am going to use a half cc instead of one full one since the nurse said that was fine and I read the medicine stings less that way.

In the evening, I will be giving myself Gonal F, which I've read is very easy and the side effects are not that bad.  I plan to have that out for about 10 minutes too, since it is currently in the fridge, before administering it.

I am not nervous about giving myself shots, but that may change tomorrow when I have to actually do it.  I am more eager to get this show on the road.  I have everything set up in the nursery for tomorrow.

Don't mind the back yard!

I have my tackle box on an end table so I can easily mix, and the comfy chair I planned to rock you in (but will now be sitting in to stab myself in the stomach with needles), my calendar so I can cross off the injection I took, and my believe sign with Alice in Wonderland figurines by it.  Here is a close up:

Your Grandpa sent me those for Mother's Day.  This is my favorite part of the room because it makes me feel like you are close by and rooting me on.

I also finished coloring my calendar for this month and wanted to take a picture of it because it reminded me of my goal: to bring home a rainbow.

However, as I was taking pictures, somebody insisted that the calendar was on the floor for him to sit on... because of course it was.

WhiteWalker says this is how he cheers me on

I miss you and love you always.

Mom

IVF Prep

The hubster and I are embarking on our next journey to bring home a rainbow baby.  IVF.  We went to our final consultation where our heads exploded with new information.  Not really, but we did learn about the medication I will be injecting into myself and how to do it.  That's right, me.  As much as I love my husband, he is not giving me injections.  All of the shots are subcutaneous like the one I did for the IUI.  I was nervous more would be intramuscular because those stink, but those come later (dang-it).

I was given my protocol and did some research and here are some things I have learned:

• My entire process will take around 3 cycles.  The one I learned about was the follicle stimulation.
• I have high dosages of medication- 150 units of Menopur and 300 units of Gonal F- compared to the people I've seen on the videos.  I'm guessing because my AMH number is so low (0.5, when it should be 3.1).
• I get the honor of injecting myself twice a day.  The morning will be the 150 units of Menopur and in the evening the 300 units of Gonal F.
• At some point, I will be doing two shots in the morning the Menopur and then adding in Cetrotide so I don't actually ovulate the eggs I am growing.
• I will be giving myself 2-3 shots for around 10 days.
• I will bloat and look pregnant- how exciting 😐
• The egg retrieval process sounds terrible and I am glad I will be knocked out for it.
• I need to get organized.
• I have a lot of shopping to do! 😃
• I am so glad I have some pudge on my tummy so I have something to grab and stick the needle into and it should hurt less.  Score 1 for stomach flub! 

I've already had adventures with this whole thing.  I set up everything with the medication and told the pharmacy to ship it to my school to ensure I got the medication and it was not sitting outside the house.  However, I received a message during the school day saying it was not being shipped to the school, but instead my house by 10:30 p.m.  The hubster heads home to work from there in the case the medication came before I was able to get home. Then, I was called to tell me the medication missed its flight and will be dropped off at 1:00 a.m.  😐 Seriously? Hubby slept on the couch since he could sleep in and I couldn't and he didn't want me woken up.  Yeah, the UPS Critical Express guy called my phone twice, which is connected to my Fitbit so my wrist buzzed.  I wasn't sleeping through that.  The next morning, I was exhausted but survived teaching my third graders.  

On a lighter note, I also did a lot of shopping to help prepare!  Yay!  After reading several blogs, I ordered a variety of things from Amazon (who does not love Amazon?!) and went shopping at Ross.

First, I ordered a pink and purple tackle box to help organize my medicine, syringes, needles, gauze, alcohol pads, band-aids, etc. Otherwise, doing medicine each morning will be a hot mess.

Look how organized I am!  This isn't even all of the medication I have for the Stims cycle. I have also taken over one of the vegetable crispers to store my medication. 😆

Another suggestion I read from a blog was to get fun band-aids.  I agreed with that blogger, if I am going to poke my self multiple times a day, I might as well find fun band-aids to amuse myself.  I asked several colleagues if they had any fun character circle band-aids from the packages brought in at the beginning of the year since those aren't usually used.  With the stash my friends gave me, and the ones I ordered online, I am good to go with band-aids!

I am loving my childhood throwback band-aids.  Not only will I get a kick out of looking at them, they will tell me where NOT to inject myself again.  😊

I also read that it is helpful to get an IVF bag.  This would be the bag I bring to all of my appointments and there will be many.  I had a hard time choosing a bag and then one of my sweet coworkers gave me the Thirty-One bag she got from the Free Teacher Store.  It has so many compartments and is perfect!

How sweet is my coworker for giving me this bag for IVF?! 

I've already filled it with my IVF paperwork, a calendar, a pair of socks (in case a wear flip flop and I want to put them on before putting my feet in the stirrups), a copy of Alice in Wonderland (that was going to be Genevieve's nursery theme), and a pen.

You cant see what type of socks I have, but I can assure you they have cats on them! 😺

Now the hubster and I have to clean the nursery since that is where I want to do the injections.  It is a cat free zone.  Right now it looks like a dumpster fire.

I am hoping I'll stay excited to do the injections in this room in the hopes I will get to bring home a baby to actually live in it.

Before judging me too harshly on how the nursery looks, it used to look worse. I had a grand vision for this Alice in Wonderland room.  I didn't want it to be in your face Alice in Wonderland, but I wanted the room to be whimsical.  The hubby and I happened to have a painting of a garden tea party we bought on our honeymoon that we would hang on the wall.  I was going to create a couple of light fixtures out of teacups I found in a box at my grandmother's house after she died.  I was given a bunny (March Hare) that played music to put on the crib.  I had my Pink Baby and White Baby from my childhood who I was going to put on a shelf to represent the Tweedles.  I was going to make this cross stitch of a little girl with her cat (who looked my cat, Toby) since Alice had a cat in the movie.  It was going to be subtle and vintage and wonderful.

When Genevieve died, my mom and husband came to the house a moved all of the baby things all over the house into the nursery and closed the door.  After Rainne, we decided to do a neutral room.  My dad put up the wainscoting and we painted over the pink.  Not all of it, if you remove the boards you will see the pink.  It's like Genevieve, still there, you just can't see it.

Anyway, the nursery became this storage room for all of the things we didn't want the cats to touch.  If we didn't want to deal with something, it went into that room.  Before we painted the room, we put away all of the baby things, and those are currently stored in closet waiting to be used.  Now we are going through the rest of the stuff in there.  We are either finding new homes for it or throwing it away.

It makes sense to do the shots in there. I can be away from "helpful" kitties and hopefully be encourage to keep going so I can eventually bring home my rainbow baby to that room.

Now it is ready for me to set up my shot station!😍

Two to One

Dear Genevieve,

The past few years without you have been tough.  Tough is an understatement.  At times, life has been completely unbearable and at other times its been just plain hard. There aren't words to explain how difficult it has been, even three years later, or how much it still hurts or how daunting it is to think about how my life continues to move forward and you aren't moving forward with me.  And there are no magic words to make it better or right or anything.  It just hurts.  There is a huge, gaping hole and even though three years have past since I last held you, it hasn't gotten easier.  It still hurts just as much as when I was told there was no heartbeat.

Dealing with two early losses after having you, is incredibly maddening.  So much has been taken from me, and as other people who have walked this journey have received a rainbow, I am still here. Stuck.  Baby-less.  Out of all of the people who I met when I first lost you, your dad and I are still the only ones without our rainbow.  It's so lonely.  Growing up, we tell kids they are special.  Well, you know what? I am tired of being so damn special.  I don't know anyone who has been through what we've been through and I am sick of going through it.  I am exhausted of constantly fighting.  And I don't want to be the strongest person I know any more.  Someone else can do it.

It has been hard enough to yearn to hold you, but for us to deal with secondary infertility on top of it feels like the universe is kicking us in the stomach when we've already been knocked out.  It constantly feels like I am taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back.  I get pregnant, but it's a blighted ovum.  I get pregnant again, and the baby never develops a heart beat.  I've lost weight, I've changed my diet, I exercise quite a bit, I see a reproductive endocrinologist, and yet I still have no rainbow and the aspect of having one seems to be ever-escaping.

Here's a perfect example of it: I was cleared by the rheumatologist I was seeing to do IVF.  My blood work came back border line and I may develop lupus at some point, but not today and so I am healthy enough to do IVF.  Yay!  I also had my DHEAS blood work done and my numbers were under 200 at 131 so now I can set up the final IVF consult.  Yay!  I asked the doctor to run my AMH level again.  This is the one that showed I had the ovarian reserve of a 37 year old because my number was 1.59 instead of 3.1.  This time my number was 0.5.  It dropped dramatically over the course of a few months.  Two steps forward, one step back.

I am guessing stress has something to do with it.  Doesn't it always?  I've been very stressed about this testing season.  I haven't been sleeping as much and feeling very irritable, which is precisely why I did not want to teach a testing grade.  I said as much too, but my health, well being, or the fact I've been trying to get pregnant did not matter much to the administration.  What mattered is that it's easier to find a first grade teacher than a third grade one so I was moved. It hurts my heart to think about it.

I am not sure what else I can do.  I am starting to lose hope.

I love you and miss you.

Love,
Mom

Dumpster Fire

Okay.  So... I have a ton of thoughts whirling around in my head and I am not sure what order they will come out , but here it goes.

I feel stuck.  And left behind.  I'm the only one from the local support group who does not having a living child.  And with the loss group online, people are having multiple rainbows, and I am just sitting here like "Yep, my body hates me."  And even as I type that, I feel like I am just feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I am.  Pity Party.  Party of one, right here. 🙋

I just don't understand why things have to be sooo difficult.  I'd go for just difficult or even so difficult right now.  Ugh.😭

So back to feeling stuck.  I haven't meant another person whose had a loss and then went through secondary infertility like I have.  I mean, I'm sure there are other MEs out there, I just haven't met them.  Or know of them.  And anyway, why do I have to be so damn special?!

Like how I still haven't explained why I feel stuck?  It's because of all these stupid steps I have to take between here and getting what I want (which, if you don't know is to have a baby I get to take home and care for).  When I went to the fertility doctor on Valentine's Day, I thought we would talk IVF, and we did a little, but it was not what I expected.

Apparently, both men and women produce testosterone.  My limits are normal, but not for someone trying to get and maintain a pregnancy.  The doctor said it COULD be the reason for the early losses because it could cause me to have abnormal eggs and that would cause early losses, but like most things in the medical field, it wasn't definitive.  He put me on a low dose steroid and said to test my blood again in 3 weeks to see if my levels went down.  No idea what happens after that, but I can't set up my final IVF appointment until the levels are down.

I also found out that I have the same amount of eggs in my ovarian reserve as a 37 year old.  Which might be nice if I was 37, or you know 40.  But I'm not, I just turned 31.  What is worse is hearing the numbers.  At 31, I my number should be 3.1, but my number is 1.59, so about half of what it should be.  Thanks ovaries!  I told the doctor that fraternal twins run in my family (my mom is a twin, my grandma was a twin, my great-grandma was a twin, my second cousin on my mom's side had two sets of twins).  I asked if it could be because I have been ovulating two eggs instead of one with a family history like mine.  He said no, but that it was fascinating. 😒

The last piece of "wonderful" news I learned was that my ANA test came back positive.  The ANA test is the one that tells you whether or not you have an autoimmune disease or not.  I've had this test come back positive 3 times in the past 10 years.  The first being my freshman year of college.  I doctor told me I might have lupus and he would test for that.  When I told my mom, she said I didn't want lupus because I could die.  That was fun.  I didn't have lupus and my ANA test came back negative.

The second time I tested positive for ANA was when I first moved to Florida 4 years ago.  The doctor thought I had AIH (Autoimmune Hepatitis) because of my elevated liver enzymes.  I went to a Hepatologist, had tons of blood taken, and did a liver biopsy.  The specialist was very interested in my case because of how rare AIH was.  I was told I would have this disease forever and hopefully it'll go into remission because if not, I may need a liver transplant or could die.  Then I tested negative for the ANA.  The Hepatologist said I probably had fatty liver disease and told me to lose weight.  Then, didn't want me to come in anymore.

That makes this, the third time I tested positive for ANA.  I see a Rheumatologist on the Wednesday and will talk about next steps.  I have no idea what to expect, and I can't schedule my final IVF consultation until it is all figured out.  So. Stuck.

So on top of all of that, there are a ton of pregnant ladies and babies out there.  Even on TV, people talk about how it was so easy for them to get pregnant.  Dammit, I want it to be easy for me too.  For real, I promise I'll be a good mom to a baby on Earth.  

The other thing that has been irking me lately, is the talk like I am not a mom.  I am.  I still am a mom, even if my baby died.  I hear complaints about lack of sleep and not being able to do things because of kids.  Yes.  It must be very difficult to have a healthy, happy, ALIVE child.  That is just so terrible for you.  😐

Or the other thing, is when people say they are sharing baby news "for a friend."  No.  Just don't.  I don't think I have enough expletives to explain why not, but seriously don't do it.  To put it nicely, I will think you're an asshole.  Yes, that is the nice version.  And if you don't care what I think, then why are you reading my blog?  So there.  Hmmph *crosses arms in triumph* 

So I titled this Dumpster Fire because that is what my life feels like right now.  Oh lordy, I hope it gets better.

Free IVF

Dear Genevieve,

Earlier in the month, my friend texts me and says I HAVE turn on 106.7 XL because they were giving away free IVF.  Because IVF is extremely expensive, the radio giving it to someone is pretty amazing.  I just needed to write a 500 word or less essay, which is challenging because so much has happened in four years.  I did my best to explain it and here is what I wrote:

I didn’t originally have infertility.  I easily became pregnant with my daughter, Genevieve, within four months of trying.  My husband, Jake, and I were ecstatic and so thankful for this little miracle.  Over Thanksgiving, we drove up to Illinois to attend our baby shower.  Our families were so excited for us, and we were ready to take home our little girl.  On December 1, 2014, when I was 34 weeks pregnant, I heard those words no mother wants to hear, “There is no heartbeat.” Somehow, I drove to the closest hospital, spent two days in labor, and gave birth to my stillborn daughter on December 3, 2014.  Her name: Genevieve Pearl. 

But this story isn’t about her, it is about what came after.

I have secondary infertility.  Even worse, the doctors are unsure why I am having such a difficult time getting pregnant.  In September of 2015, after months of trying, I went to my OB/GYN who suggested I get a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to make sure my tubes were open.  I was even told that many women get pregnant shortly after they receive one.  My tubes were clear, but I still didn’t get pregnant.  I went to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) who thought that I had endometriosis and scheduled me for an ultrasound to see if there was fluid around my uterus.  There was, so the next step was surgery.

Instead of calling the office on cycle day one, I called to tell them I was pregnant!  However, I had a blighted ovum so there was a gestational sac with no baby.  I miscarried at 6 weeks in May 2016.  It took me 15 months to get to this point, and like that, I was back where I started.  I already lost one baby, this made me 0-2.

In the fall of 2016, I did go through with the surgery.  My RE was able to clear out all of the endometriosis, and I was told I should easily become pregnant.  After three months of trying, my RE suggested I come in and discuss Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).  He said if I didn’t get pregnant after two rounds, I should schedule another HSG.  I did one IUI in the spring, and the second in the fall.  Still no positive pregnancy test, so I had the HSG. 

This time, I was one of the lucky ones who became pregnant after the procedure.  I went to my first appointment the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and was told I would most likely miscarry.  I was pregnant for 8 weeks, was told the baby stopped growing, and had a D&C—making me 0-3.

Normally, people with secondary infertility have one living child.  Unfortunately, we do not.  When your first child is stillborn, it shouldn’t be so difficult to get pregnant.  I want to be able to bring a baby home and I feel like IVF is my best option.

Then I put a link to this blog.  Even if I don't win, maybe someone whose been through something similar will read this and feel comforted.  Maybe it will raise awareness of the frequency of stillbirth.  Maybe what I have gone through will affect someone else's life in a positive way. Just maybe.  Hopefully.

I love you now and always.

Mom