Dumpster Fire

Okay.  So... I have a ton of thoughts whirling around in my head and I am not sure what order they will come out , but here it goes.

I feel stuck.  And left behind.  I'm the only one from the local support group who does not having a living child.  And with the loss group online, people are having multiple rainbows, and I am just sitting here like "Yep, my body hates me."  And even as I type that, I feel like I am just feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I am.  Pity Party.  Party of one, right here. 🙋

I just don't understand why things have to be sooo difficult.  I'd go for just difficult or even so difficult right now.  Ugh.😭

So back to feeling stuck.  I haven't meant another person whose had a loss and then went through secondary infertility like I have.  I mean, I'm sure there are other MEs out there, I just haven't met them.  Or know of them.  And anyway, why do I have to be so damn special?!

Like how I still haven't explained why I feel stuck?  It's because of all these stupid steps I have to take between here and getting what I want (which, if you don't know is to have a baby I get to take home and care for).  When I went to the fertility doctor on Valentine's Day, I thought we would talk IVF, and we did a little, but it was not what I expected.

Apparently, both men and women produce testosterone.  My limits are normal, but not for someone trying to get and maintain a pregnancy.  The doctor said it COULD be the reason for the early losses because it could cause me to have abnormal eggs and that would cause early losses, but like most things in the medical field, it wasn't definitive.  He put me on a low dose steroid and said to test my blood again in 3 weeks to see if my levels went down.  No idea what happens after that, but I can't set up my final IVF appointment until the levels are down.

I also found out that I have the same amount of eggs in my ovarian reserve as a 37 year old.  Which might be nice if I was 37, or you know 40.  But I'm not, I just turned 31.  What is worse is hearing the numbers.  At 31, I my number should be 3.1, but my number is 1.59, so about half of what it should be.  Thanks ovaries!  I told the doctor that fraternal twins run in my family (my mom is a twin, my grandma was a twin, my great-grandma was a twin, my second cousin on my mom's side had two sets of twins).  I asked if it could be because I have been ovulating two eggs instead of one with a family history like mine.  He said no, but that it was fascinating. 😒

The last piece of "wonderful" news I learned was that my ANA test came back positive.  The ANA test is the one that tells you whether or not you have an autoimmune disease or not.  I've had this test come back positive 3 times in the past 10 years.  The first being my freshman year of college.  I doctor told me I might have lupus and he would test for that.  When I told my mom, she said I didn't want lupus because I could die.  That was fun.  I didn't have lupus and my ANA test came back negative.

The second time I tested positive for ANA was when I first moved to Florida 4 years ago.  The doctor thought I had AIH (Autoimmune Hepatitis) because of my elevated liver enzymes.  I went to a Hepatologist, had tons of blood taken, and did a liver biopsy.  The specialist was very interested in my case because of how rare AIH was.  I was told I would have this disease forever and hopefully it'll go into remission because if not, I may need a liver transplant or could die.  Then I tested negative for the ANA.  The Hepatologist said I probably had fatty liver disease and told me to lose weight.  Then, didn't want me to come in anymore.

That makes this, the third time I tested positive for ANA.  I see a Rheumatologist on the Wednesday and will talk about next steps.  I have no idea what to expect, and I can't schedule my final IVF consultation until it is all figured out.  So. Stuck.

So on top of all of that, there are a ton of pregnant ladies and babies out there.  Even on TV, people talk about how it was so easy for them to get pregnant.  Dammit, I want it to be easy for me too.  For real, I promise I'll be a good mom to a baby on Earth.  

The other thing that has been irking me lately, is the talk like I am not a mom.  I am.  I still am a mom, even if my baby died.  I hear complaints about lack of sleep and not being able to do things because of kids.  Yes.  It must be very difficult to have a healthy, happy, ALIVE child.  That is just so terrible for you.  😐

Or the other thing, is when people say they are sharing baby news "for a friend."  No.  Just don't.  I don't think I have enough expletives to explain why not, but seriously don't do it.  To put it nicely, I will think you're an asshole.  Yes, that is the nice version.  And if you don't care what I think, then why are you reading my blog?  So there.  Hmmph *crosses arms in triumph* 

So I titled this Dumpster Fire because that is what my life feels like right now.  Oh lordy, I hope it gets better.