The Letter

Dear Genevieve, 

I offered to write a letter to the couple who was unsure if they want to donate their embryos. I figured I would pour my heart out and it would come together, but that wasn’t exactly how it came out. 

First, I wrote about our journey to parenthood, but then I thought would this freak them out? Would they assume I would just have another stillbirth? I know there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome, but would they get it?

I wrote about your dad and myself. I wrote about our careers and hopes and dreams. Then, I wrote a letter to future children, where I poured my heart out.  None of it seemed right. 

I’m at a loss. How do I tell someone, “Hey those embryos you have stored in the freezer you plan on never using, I want them. Gimme.” ? I am not sure where to start, but in the end I want a baby to take home. Your dad and I would be really good parents, and hope against all odds that we get to accomplish that. 

Love you always,

Mom

To the family member who thinks everything revolves around her

This is a blog entry for you.  And yes, this is all about you.

There is no way you could possibly understand how I feel, but I will try my best to help you be a bit more compassionate. 

Imagine one of your children or your unborn grandchild dead.  Did your mind automatically switch to "I can't possibly think of something so awful" or did you feel like you were going to throw up?  Imagine all of the what ifs you would have?  Would it be anything you could get over or past?  Now imagine what it would feel like to watch one of your children try and try and try to have a child after the first one died.  Imagine what it would feel like to have miscarriage after miscarriage and spend thousands trying to have a baby.  Just imagine for a moment, how it must feel to be me.  Or even my mom.  Could you do it?  Could you let your mind go there? 

I'm guessing you didn't.  I'm guessing you couldn't let yourself do it.  And I'm guessing if you ever read this, you’ll feel like the victim in a cruel joke.  But the truth is, in this story, you're an antagonist.  You are an "other."  There is no way you could fully understand what life is like without one of your children, and you think we should forget about our babies and just be fine with it.  Your attitude is one of the many scars us warrior mamas wear, and we refuse to do as you wish.

True story.  Not everything about you.

Our love for our children isn't about you.

The hurt we feel because a living child you raised was ignorant isn't your hurt. It is hurt you helped inflict because you feel no compassion towards anyone else.

You aren't the victim.  You're the villain.

It’s been over a year

Dear Genevieve, 

The last year and a half has been very turbulent. We faced multiple failed IVF cycles, and I even went through medically induced menopause. It was not fun by any means. 

All of the heartbreak and disappointment has opened our hearts to embryo adoption.  Couples who have embryos they will not use can be donated to couples like us.  I found out a couple of days ago we have a potential embryo and there may be a second one. I’m really excited about it and I’m so hopeful this will work out.  I am going to write a letter to the genetic parents to let them know. Our story and how much love we have to give our future baby. 

The past 5 years, I’ve struggled with depression big time. However, I have decided year 33 is going to be the best year, and I’m trying my darnest to make it happen.  Your dad and I have been noticing all the little signs you’ve sent us. We miss you and love you so much. 

Love always,

Mom