Hero

Dear Eve Believe,

Genevieve means "woman of the people" and the patron saint of Paris is St. Genevieve. She told the people to stand strong against the Huns' attack instead of fleeing their homes. She also did a lot of work with women. You weren't named after that saint, you were named after my Grandma Muggy. She was an amazing grandma to me.  I always knew you would be great. I just didn't know how. 

I can't say I'm too shocked that you saved your daddy's life. If it weren't for you, we would not know that your daddy has hemochromatosis because we wouldn't have done the DNA sequencing. However, because we know he has this disease, he can get treatment for it and live a long and healthy life. The treatment for it is donating blood. 

I told your daddy I would donate blood too. I've wanted to before, but I was scared. You gave me the strength to do it.

 Both you and I have O- blood so we are universal donors and everyone can have our blood. Because we will be donating blood regularly, you will be saving lives.  

I always knew you would be amazing, and I was excited to see your impact on the world. Even though you aren't here physically, you are still saving people and improving lives like I always knew you would. I'm at awe of how wonderful you are and I am such a proud momma. You are my little hero. 

I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

Dear God

I've got a bone to pick with you. I've been feeling all of this for awhile and if you are all knowing and what is in my heart, none of this should be news. 

You. Are. On. My. Shit. List. 

"God wouldn't have taken her if he didn't need her" is what I've heard. Well if that is the case, what was the point of me getting pregnant then? You couldn't predict that you would need her at that exact moment? You seriously couldn't need her in 80+years? 

I've also been told you have a plan for my family. Super. Your plan sucks. Your plan includes killing my daughter. Your plan has me feeling broken and I hate you and your stupid plan. 

I'm told you will bless me with another child. Really will you? I trusted you with my Genevieve and we both know how that turned out. 

That's the part where I'm told to have faith, even if it's hard. I'm guessing they are referring to Job. Well, I always thought you were an asshole for what you put him through. You seriously made a wager with the devil and screwed with someone's life? Asshole. 

I'm pissed. I'm drowning in my anger. I hate that this is happening. So I'm supposed to believe that you either A. killed my baby or B. you just hung out on your cloud in the sky and thought, "well let's see how she handles this, ya know for shits and giggles."  I don't even know how to begin to forgive you. Maybe some day that will happen. That day isn't today though. 

Sincerely,

One pissed of momma 

Newsies

Dear Genevieve,

I missed you today a lot. I looked forward to having a miniature me. I wanted to kiss your little nose and pinch your little cheeks (lightly of course). I wanted to hold you in my arms and get lost in your face. I figured you'd be stubborn and feisty like your mommy.  You were going to be a total daddy's girl.  You'd stick up for yourself and try to do what's right. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. 

I saw Newsies the musical today. It was based on my favorite movie. I used to watch that movie all the time when I was younger. I probably would have made you watch it too. I knew all the songs by heart. I am disappointed it strayed from the movie. Jack Kelly was your mommy's first love. I was a weirdo and wanted him painted on my wall, but your aunt would never do it for me. It was sad. 

It makes me sad you won't have a first love or watch movies with me. I guess it's good you'll never have your heart broken either.  Not like I have. Losing you is, by far, the worse thing to ever happen to me. I love you and miss you always. 

Love, 

Mommy

First day

Dear Genevieve,

I made it through my first day at school. I was resentful about coming back and I was grumpy the entire day, but I made it. I only cried once. One of the little girls asked why you died and I told her I didn't know as a tear rolled down my cheek. A few of my students started to get teary eyed too. I told them it was okay to cry about you being gone. 

I love showing people how precious you are and I was able to show my neighbor your pictures. I'm so glad I have them. I hope more people will let me show you off. 

I went to talk to the teacher whose pregnant today. I was afraid that when she started showing more that I would be upset. I decided to face my fears head on which is a lesson I would have taught you. I'm glad I talked to her and I think I'll be okay. I hope you are proud of me because I am proud of me. 

I love you and I miss you. 

Love,

Mommy

Idiots

Dear Genevieve,

If you were little and called someone the name of this post, I would tell you it isn't nice to call people names.  If you were older, you would learn that some people earn those names. 

The stupid things people say to a grieving mother should be a crime. One of phrases that sets me off is "god has a plan."  I'm not interested in any plan that does not have you in my arms. Maybe you can see the bigger picture, but I cannot. I'm very angry and upset that this is the way I have to mother you. It was supposed to be a few years before you were smarter than me. Now you are all-knowing because you are on the other side, and I am here stuck without any knowledge as to why you are not on this side with me. 

A "friend" send me a message and she included that god has a plan for me. I kindly directed her to an article I posted about things to not say to breheaved parents. One of those includes telling a parent that god has a plan. She then tries to give me an example of how gods plan helped her family. It must be nice to have things work out. I tried to explain how while what her mother and sister went through with a miscarriage was difficult, it wasn't the same as giving birth to you. My "friend" then tried to say that she knew what I was going through because she watched her sister miscarry her baby. I think my "friend" likes the taste of sneakers in her mouth. 

As much as I want to tell her off, I'm not going to respond. She doesn't get it and she doesn't want to get it. It's easier for her to go through life with blinders on than actual see that sometimes life is horrific and "god's plan" is terrible. I wish I could have those blinders on too, but unfortunately mine have been ripped off and set on fire. 

You are lucky that you never have to go through someone hurting your feelings because she was mean or being misunderstood or having your heart broken. It's so unfair that you can watch over me and I cannot see you. I look forward to the day I am with you. I love you and I miss you. 

Love, 

Mommy 

School

Dear Genevieve,

I wanted to make you proud today. I sat on my bed and contemplated whether or not I wanted to go to school. The other teachers were in a training and I figured I could sneak in and out without anyone seeing me. The thing was, the thought of sitting in my classroom caused me a great deal of anxiety. So I came to the conclusion I would at least drive there and sit in my van. If I decided I wanted to go in, I would, and if not, that was okay too. 

I told your daddy of my plan. His response? "Yeah, since sitting in a van in an elementary school parking lot isn't creepy. 😐. Just kidding. I think that is a start. Love you". I have to admit, I did laugh and then gave him a hard time for making fun of my process. Your daddy always tries to use humor to brighten my mood. It's one of the many reasons I love him so much. 

I had tears in my eyes as I drove to the school. Once I got there, I just sat in the van and cried. I know it all seems silly to cry about going to school, but it felt like I was "moving on."  I could never move on from you, and sometimes it is hard to remember that moving forward is not the same as moving on. I sat in the car for 10 minutes while I tried to decide what to do. 

Eventually, I rounded up my courage and dragged myself out of the car, used my badge to open the door, climbed up the stairs, down the hall, into my classroom, and plopped myself into my giant, black, leather chair at my desk. Then I cried some more. I imagined I would be starting my leave now, not ending it. I resolved to write the staff an email about you and me. 

I wanted everyone to know how precious you are to me and how sad I am that you are no longer in my arms. I wanted them to know that it's okay that I'm sad. It is the only normal thing I have in this completely abnormal experience. It was important that they know it's okay if they feel awkward around me because I feel awkard too.  Once I finished editing what I wanted to say, I strummed up my courage once again to click the send button. When you make yourself vulnerable to others, it can be very scary while you wait for a response. 

Around 11:30, I heard teachers leaving the training. I thought it was getting over at noon so my plans for sneaking out were ruined. My classroom neighbor saw the email and popped in to see how I was doing. We talked about you for about an hour and a half. I think about you all the time so talking about you was really nice. I appreciated her coming over to chat, more than I can express in words. I felt like I could do the whole teaching thing again and that I can get through my first day back.  I also received a lot of positive feedback about my email so I was very relieved. 

There is another teacher at the school who is pregnant and I learned she is having a girl. I wasn't sure how I would feel if she had a girl, and when I learned the baby is a she, I was okay with it. Please look after her little girl for me. I've been sending her positive thoughts. 

That about sums up my day and I truly hope you are proud of me. I love you and miss you. 

Love,

Mommy

Due date

Dear Eve Believe,

Today is your due date. Today is the day I hoped you were born. I imagined holding you on my chest and looking into your eyes and knowing you were my whole world. That isn't going to happen today. 

Today I went to the dentist. He filled two small cavities and fixed my crown. It's a mundane Monday. It isn't filled with joy or happiness. It's just ordinary. 

I went to the school today to drop off my doctor's note that says I can return to work on Tuesday. I saw a pregnant teacher there, and my heart was filled with sadness from missing you.  I know you're with me always, but it is incredibly difficult being a mommy to a baby you can't see. 

My feeble attempts to be strong are just for you. I want to be the mom and person you would want me to be. I love you and will miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

Dear Genevieve

Dear Genevieve,

I am a part of this online support group for moms who've lost their babies in the third trimesters. Several of the moms have blogs as well, and one of them uses hers to write letters to her daughter. After reading a few of her posts, I decided writing to you is what I wanted to do too. 

I miss you very much. When I saw your little face after delivering you, I cried out that you would have been so perfect. Your daddy reminded me that you are perfect, and he's right, you are so perfect. The first time I saw your face on the 3D ultrasound, I fell in love. I also learned at that visit that you had fluid in your lungs. I was so scared for you, but when it cleared up two weeks later, I thought we were safe. 

I was scared to become a mommy. There was a lot I wanted to do and be for you. I didn't want to let you down. I wanted to be better than what I had. I wanted to be as perfect as you are, even though I knew that was impossible. Your daddy reassured me that I would be a good mommy and you would love me regardless of any mistakes I made. 

Tomorrow is your due date. I was extremely excited learning that your due date is the same date as Grandma Muggy's birthday. I know you are with your namesake now. I know she is taking good care of you. She was a wonderful grandma. She taught me many things and took care of me when I was a baby. That's how I know she is giving you the love and snuggles you need. 

I know I will be with you some day and each day I am closer to when I do get to meet you. I love you and miss you. 

Love,

Mommy