I wanted to make you proud today. I sat on my bed and contemplated whether or not I wanted to go to school. The other teachers were in a training and I figured I could sneak in and out without anyone seeing me. The thing was, the thought of sitting in my classroom caused me a great deal of anxiety. So I came to the conclusion I would at least drive there and sit in my van. If I decided I wanted to go in, I would, and if not, that was okay too.
I told your daddy of my plan. His response? "Yeah, since sitting in a van in an elementary school parking lot isn't creepy. 😐. Just kidding. I think that is a start. Love you". I have to admit, I did laugh and then gave him a hard time for making fun of my process. Your daddy always tries to use humor to brighten my mood. It's one of the many reasons I love him so much.
I had tears in my eyes as I drove to the school. Once I got there, I just sat in the van and cried. I know it all seems silly to cry about going to school, but it felt like I was "moving on." I could never move on from you, and sometimes it is hard to remember that moving forward is not the same as moving on. I sat in the car for 10 minutes while I tried to decide what to do.
Eventually, I rounded up my courage and dragged myself out of the car, used my badge to open the door, climbed up the stairs, down the hall, into my classroom, and plopped myself into my giant, black, leather chair at my desk. Then I cried some more. I imagined I would be starting my leave now, not ending it. I resolved to write the staff an email about you and me.
I wanted everyone to know how precious you are to me and how sad I am that you are no longer in my arms. I wanted them to know that it's okay that I'm sad. It is the only normal thing I have in this completely abnormal experience. It was important that they know it's okay if they feel awkward around me because I feel awkard too. Once I finished editing what I wanted to say, I strummed up my courage once again to click the send button. When you make yourself vulnerable to others, it can be very scary while you wait for a response.
Around 11:30, I heard teachers leaving the training. I thought it was getting over at noon so my plans for sneaking out were ruined. My classroom neighbor saw the email and popped in to see how I was doing. We talked about you for about an hour and a half. I think about you all the time so talking about you was really nice. I appreciated her coming over to chat, more than I can express in words. I felt like I could do the whole teaching thing again and that I can get through my first day back. I also received a lot of positive feedback about my email so I was very relieved.
There is another teacher at the school who is pregnant and I learned she is having a girl. I wasn't sure how I would feel if she had a girl, and when I learned the baby is a she, I was okay with it. Please look after her little girl for me. I've been sending her positive thoughts.
That about sums up my day and I truly hope you are proud of me. I love you and miss you.
Love,
Mommy
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