I often find myself staring at your picture. I stare at you and I see parts of me. The curves of your lips match mine. You have a cute little button nose and my round face. You're so beautiful. I stare at your picture and ponder at how I made someone so perfect. You are so perfect. God decided to keep you because of how perfect you are.
I so wish I could hold you and cuddle you. Instead I hold my Genevieve bear. She's perfect too. She's pink and has teacups on her belly to represent your Alice in Wonderland nursery theme. She weighs as much as you did. 6 lbs 6 oz. when I especially miss you, I hold her and it brings me some comfort. I put one of your headbands on her. It was nice to put one of those on her, but as I wrapped it around her head I couldn't help but feel a pang that said it should be your head.
I think I'll always feel that way.
Someone on a support board asked how we envision our babies in heaven. I imagine you're with my Grandma Muggy and my Aunt Darlene. I imagine they are holding you and showing you love. I imagine you watching Dinosaurs with us and Grandma Muggy since I watched it with her too. I used to play store with my Aunt Darlene so I imagine you doing that too. I imagine you are playing with baby Patricia.
I'm hoping time passes differently there. I hope you blink your eyes and I'm there. I wonder if the past present and future mingle together in one continuous stream. I certainly hope you don't feel the passage of time as I do. It seems to drag on and the idea of the next 50+ years without you seems so unbareable at times. I don't want you to feel the wait for me to finally arrive. I want you to turn around to look back at me and I'm there to hold you.
As I stare at you, I'll hold you hand, kiss your checks and tell you I'm finally home.
I love you and miss you always.
Love,
Mommy
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