I have to say I'm tired of these "tests." I finally feel a wee bit at peace and then it's like BAM! It slaps me in the face, knocks me off balance, and takes awhile for me to pick myself up again. Can't a girl get a break?!
I start to feel like I can get a handle on my life again, and then I get a text. The mother who brought her living, breathing, noise-making baby to dead baby's memorial, which happened to be in an echo-enhancing church, decided to text me.
"Hey," she said. Being that we've never been friends, I didn't know who texted me. I asked, thinking it must be someone on my new team. It wasn't, it was her. I'm not sure how she got my number, but there she was. "Hey."
So I bluntly told her it wasn't okay for her to text me and unless she planned to apologize for bringing her baby to Genevieve's memorial, I wasn't interested in anything she had to say. That's when she did it. She gave me the non-apology, littered with enough excuses to fill an Olympic- sized swimming pool.
First, she tells me her mom has breast cancer so she couldn't watch the baby. Yeah God, I get that cancer sucks, but you know what also sucks? Bringing a baby to another baby's memorial! The two are unrelated and having a mom with breast cancer doesn't make what she did okay. Then, she tells me she ASSUMED her boyfriend's (the guy who used to be the hubs' best friend) parents were working. She didn't ask if they could watch the baby. She ended it with saying she thought we would be mad if they didn't come. God, we weren't friends. We didn't even talk. It would not have upset us at all if she stayed home with her baby and her boyfriend came alone to support his best friend. We asked the two of them to not bring the baby multiple times. They said they sat in the back so we wouldn't see her. Her car seat was the first thing I saw when I walked in. It was wrong and they made a very difficult day even harder. I'm mad it happened and I'm pissed she tried to justify her actions.
Me being me, I basically read her the riot act. I said she didn't give me an apology but a bunch of excuses, that if she was assuming things she should assumed we wouldn't have been upset if she stayed home with the baby. I reminded her that we weren't friends and that I thought after I took her off my "friends list" on Facebook and then denied her many attempts to "be friends", she'd get the hint. I then told her that I was not sure who gave her my number, but I would be blocking her so I didn't have to hear from her again. She could continue to message me, but because she was blocked, I would never receive them. Why exactly did this person come back into my life? What exactly did I get out of that besides another headache?
Fine. Whatever. I dealt with it. I started to go back to this new normal. I start to get more into a routine at work and feel like my classroom is finally starting to come together. I'm a bit worried about the craft fair I am doing at the end of the month, so I sit and crochet a hat I needed to finish. That's when the hubs tells me the news in great hubs fashion.
"By the way, your mom wants me to tell you that your cousin's pregnant." My veins turn to venom and all I see is red. Had it not been for the pearl ring on my hand, God, I would have punched a wall. I was frozen in rage. My breath deepened and I was sure steam was starting to come from my ears. I just thought about punching that wall over and over again, but I kept touching my ring and thinking how I didn't want to break it.
God, why did you make guys so dumb? Perhaps if he warned me first I would get angry, I wouldn't have had such a visceral reaction. I have another cousin who knocked up his girlfriend, I was irritated, but felt nothing of what I felt after hearing about "this" cousin getting pregnant.
Perhaps if "this" cousin hadn't acted like she was so much better than me my entire life. Perhaps if she hadn't told me that we were on different levels or different worlds and implied that I wasn't good enough for hers. Perhaps had she not told me that being a teacher doesn't really affect children's lives because I only see them 7 hours a day. Perhaps if she didn't complained to her mom that I "hurt" her feelings because I asked a question about her college. Perhaps if all those things didn't happen or all the similar things like that didn't happen throughout my childhood, then I could maybe feel a tiny bit happy for her.
God, that was the one person I asked to be pregnant before. You seriously couldn't help me out on that? Really? I don't understand it. I'm not materialistic, I'm not selfish, I try to help others, I try to be a good person, I don't think I'm better than anyone. Why don't I have my Eve Believe? Why aren't I pregnant yet? I could use some help.
By the way, I think I failed your tests.
Love,
One confused mama
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