One year later

Dear Eve Believe,

I started a post awhile ago and wanted it to be perfect so it hasn't been posted. That post is below. I have so many feelings that I want to express just right because they are so complicated. I'm sorry I haven't written to you in awhile. I love you and think of you every day. 

I always think about how your first year went by and I missed it. I didn't want to, but I did. Now it's your second year and I'm missing it too. I want to be with you. I keep thinking about why I'm here. I'm not pregnant, I've been trying for an entire year now. Where I work is terrible. There is no support. Life is hard. Harder than I think it should be. I just keep drifting along down this path until there is something I can do about it all.  

I love you and miss you always,

Mommy

It's been 377 days since you died. It's been 377 days that my heart has continued to beat when yours had stopped. It's been 377 days I've lived without you. If you call it living. I suppose it's more of surviving then living. And for the past 377 days, I've thought of you, loved you, and missed you. 

On December 1, 2014 you died and on December 1, 2015, I donated my blood in your honor.  Your blood is my blood and so when I donate it, I'm sharing you. I needed something good to happen that day. I needed it to be the opposite of what it was the year before. I needed to give life to someone because the year before was surrounded in death. 

Your daddy wasn't so sure I would be calm enough to complete the donations. I assured him I would go through with it, even if it was out of pure stubbornness. I'd take a clozepam just in case.  Your daddy drove me to the blood donation center. I brought my Eve Believe bear and the blanket your godmother made to surround myself with things that reminded me of you. 

I held your bear tight as they put the needle into my arm. I held your bear as I wondered if I could do this. I held your bear as I heard your little voice come into my head telling me that I could.  I held your bear when I almost fainted near the end of my donation and the nurses had to tip my chair back while surrounding me with cold packs.