That leaves me at 0-3 when it comes to pregnancies.
Sometimes I think God is a jerk.
I went to the appointment on December 11th hoping to see that pitter-patter on the screen of my baby's heartbeat. I was hoping to see arms and legs and a head. I was hoping to see a little peanut-shaped baby. When he did the ultrasound, I swear I saw something. It must have been gas or my insides moving because it wasn't a heartbeat. There were no arms or legs or a peanut body. The baby looked exactly as it had the week prior.
The doctor said the baby stopped growing and it was incompatible with life. I looked at the doctor and said, "I want to skip to IVF." With IVF, the embryos can be tested and the best ones can be implanted. I know PAL will be difficult, but it will give me some piece of mind knowing that genetically and chromosomally the baby is normal. He agreed, which is good because I can't keep living like this. It takes a long time for me to get pregnant and then I loose it.
Sometimes I think God is a jerk.
The doctor told me that I could either get a D&C within the next couple of days or wait several weeks and miscarry on my own. I said to sign me up for the first one. Here's why- if I were to wait several weeks, I would start to hope. I would hope the doctor was wrong. I would hope everything would be okay. I would hope for a baby that is not going to miraculously start growing. Then, when I did miscarry, because I would, I would be devastated AGAIN. I am so thankful that the doctor gave me a choice.
I opted to get genetic testing to determine why I miscarried. I also asked if I would be able to find out the gender. I was told I would. I put off giving the baby a name until I found out the gender. I also had to get blood work done in a week to make sure my HCG (the pregnancy hormone) was back to zero.
I got my blood work done a week later. It went down to 500 (from around 8,000) so I had to go back in another week. The next week my number was 55, which is closer, but still not zero. If it went from 8,000 to 500 in one week, wouldn't it be 0 by two weeks? I guess not. I have to go again on Tuesday.
I also received my results from the genetic testing. There was an insufficient amount of tissue so the tests were inconclusive. So they can only speculate as to why I miscarried.
Sometimes I think God is a jerk.
I really wanted to know the gender more than anything. I thought for sure a boy, but I wanted to be positive. I wanted to know something about this little bean. I barely had any time with him. It seems like nothing is going my way. Hubby says we can pick out a unisex name, but I didn't want to pick out a unisex name. I wanted to know the gender.
Sometimes I think God is a jerk.
Since this is not my first rodeo (oh baby loss? yeah been there, done that 3 TIMES), I had enough with-it-ness to ask for a picture of my little bean. The baby is the part with the line across it. The larger circle is the yolk sac and the largest circle was the gestational sac.
I do not regret sharing this baby with everyone. He may have been here for a little bit of time, but he was celebrated. He was cherished. He was loved.
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