PAL Anxiety

My second ultrasound is today and I’m sitting here as huge bundle of nerves. I woke up at 4 am feeling nauseous, which I’m sure is a mixture of morning sickness and anxiety. It’s normal for someone to feel the way I’m feeling with any pregnancy, let alone the pregnancy after a loss. I’m 0-2 and I wonder if today I become 0-3. 

After EVERYTHING I was told at my last appointment, almost 2 weeks ago, I’m hoping and praying that everything will be alright. I’m hoping the sac is regular, there’s a baby there, his heart is beating, and they can tell me something about this subchronic hemorrhage (SCH). However, I’m also wearing really comfortable clothes in the case I am sent to the hospital for a D&C. Why? Because of well, loss. It’s happened twice before. 

What I think really stinks is that I know this anxiety doesn’t get better. It’s a wonder anyone gets through PAL (pregnancy after loss) at all. I know I can survive this because several women before me already have and shared some words of wisdom along the way. 

Tragedy isn't the only outcome. - This one is my favorite because it acknowledges the past with gently reminding me that it isn’t the only ending. 

Different pregnancy, different ending. - My doppelgänger tells me this when I freak out. It reminds me that history doesn’t always repeat itself. 

Today I am pregnant. - This mantra reminds me to focus on the here and now. 

Take it one day at a time.- I really used this right after the loss of Genevieve. Think of my entire future without her in it made me want to throw up. I am attempting to take it one day at a time with this pregnancy. 

I’m so ready to be done with this appointment.