Have you tried...

The past few years, I have had people (probably well-meaning, but so incredibly annoying) give me "advice" on how to get pregnant.  Or even worse, do something extremely passive aggressive to let me know their opinion.

"You just have to relax."

Uh, you relax.  When does anyone relax when someone tells them to relax?  Seriously, when?  Even when I am relaxed, I am still not pregnant.  Being relaxed does not work when dealing with infertility.

"Have you tried this (flowery/citrusy/healingy scent) essential oil?"

Yes.  Not only have I tried essential oil, I have tried acupuncture and chiropractors, cutting out dairy, cutting out red meat, only eating organic, exercise, and god knows what else.  And you know what, it didn't help me with my infertility.  

"I watched a documentary on how your thyroid affects fertility, have you had your thyroid looked at?"

Yes.  That was one of the first things looked at when it took me 15 months to get pregnant with a blighted ovum.  That is one of the first things all fertility doctors look into because it one of the easier and less invasive things to fix.

"You should get a second opinion."

Yep.  Did that.  I did two rounds of IVF at one clinic and two at another.  The second clinic figured out why we could not develop embryos.  

Conceive Naturally

The husband worked with this guy who was "Christian" and knew the ways of the Lord and fertility.  I will refer to this guy as JA for JackAss.  JA tells the hubs about this fertility thing he knew of called "Conceive Naturally".  The husband, not knowing what it was, tells me and I look it up.  Apparently, it is the church's version of sex ed and timing intercourse.  

Man, JA is so smart.  I would have never thought of timing.  What was I thinking?

I told the husband what JA's fertility plan was, and told him he was passive aggressively telling him, he does not approve of us doing IVF.  Hubs does not talk to him about fertility treatments any more, and when JA tries to bring it up, the husband tells him we aren't doing those Conceive Natural courses he told us about.  

Eventually, JA proves that he is a JA to the company and decides to move back to his home state.  Knowing my husband would have to finish cleaning out his cube, what does he leave behind?  One of those Conceive Naturally pamphlets. 

  

The Support Group

I recently, as in today and the last couple of days, had someone I know send me an invite for this group about babies. She was one of the admin.  I met this person through a support group for couples who had a stillbirth or miscarriage, so I figured it was probably supportive.  I join it and the first thing I see is that the other admin had changed the name of the group from something about naturally getting pregnant to something a bit more progressive.  The first article that was shared was about how all these women get pregnant after a failed IVF round.

Uh...huh...So needless to say, I left that group.  I wonder what this person would say had she known that I am using a donor egg... Then, I remember how this twit judged another of the mamas from our support group for not breastfeeding her twins.  Really?  We all had to bury babies and you are worried about her feeding her babies?  

Endometriosis is the worse.

No, seriously, it sucks.  The doctor said endometriosis is spectrum disorder in that the severity of it affects people differently.  I experience cramping, but not as bad as others.  Instead, endometriosis destroyed my egg quality.  The quality of my eggs diminished rapidly the past 5 years while I was not on birth control.

  

I was able to get pregnant with Genevieve so easily because I had been on birth control for 15 years prior to that.  So I have probably always had endometriosis, but I was unknowingly treating it all those years.  

The morale of the story is endometriosis destroyed my ovaries and nothing short of using an egg donor will give me a rainbow baby.  No, you cannot fix me. Whisper the advice into your hand, and then, slap yourself in the face with it.

Thank you.

The Letter

Dear Genevieve, 

I offered to write a letter to the couple who was unsure if they want to donate their embryos. I figured I would pour my heart out and it would come together, but that wasn’t exactly how it came out. 

First, I wrote about our journey to parenthood, but then I thought would this freak them out? Would they assume I would just have another stillbirth? I know there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome, but would they get it?

I wrote about your dad and myself. I wrote about our careers and hopes and dreams. Then, I wrote a letter to future children, where I poured my heart out.  None of it seemed right. 

I’m at a loss. How do I tell someone, “Hey those embryos you have stored in the freezer you plan on never using, I want them. Gimme.” ? I am not sure where to start, but in the end I want a baby to take home. Your dad and I would be really good parents, and hope against all odds that we get to accomplish that. 

Love you always,

Mom

To the family member who thinks everything revolves around her

This is a blog entry for you.  And yes, this is all about you.

There is no way you could possibly understand how I feel, but I will try my best to help you be a bit more compassionate. 

Imagine one of your children or your unborn grandchild dead.  Did your mind automatically switch to "I can't possibly think of something so awful" or did you feel like you were going to throw up?  Imagine all of the what ifs you would have?  Would it be anything you could get over or past?  Now imagine what it would feel like to watch one of your children try and try and try to have a child after the first one died.  Imagine what it would feel like to have miscarriage after miscarriage and spend thousands trying to have a baby.  Just imagine for a moment, how it must feel to be me.  Or even my mom.  Could you do it?  Could you let your mind go there? 

I'm guessing you didn't.  I'm guessing you couldn't let yourself do it.  And I'm guessing if you ever read this, you’ll feel like the victim in a cruel joke.  But the truth is, in this story, you're an antagonist.  You are an "other."  There is no way you could fully understand what life is like without one of your children, and you think we should forget about our babies and just be fine with it.  Your attitude is one of the many scars us warrior mamas wear, and we refuse to do as you wish.

True story.  Not everything about you.

Our love for our children isn't about you.

The hurt we feel because a living child you raised was ignorant isn't your hurt. It is hurt you helped inflict because you feel no compassion towards anyone else.

You aren't the victim.  You're the villain.

It’s been over a year

Dear Genevieve, 

The last year and a half has been very turbulent. We faced multiple failed IVF cycles, and I even went through medically induced menopause. It was not fun by any means. 

All of the heartbreak and disappointment has opened our hearts to embryo adoption.  Couples who have embryos they will not use can be donated to couples like us.  I found out a couple of days ago we have a potential embryo and there may be a second one. I’m really excited about it and I’m so hopeful this will work out.  I am going to write a letter to the genetic parents to let them know. Our story and how much love we have to give our future baby. 

The past 5 years, I’ve struggled with depression big time. However, I have decided year 33 is going to be the best year, and I’m trying my darnest to make it happen.  Your dad and I have been noticing all the little signs you’ve sent us. We miss you and love you so much. 

Love always,

Mom