First Grade

Dear Eve Believe,

Did you know I'm now a first grade teacher? Of course you did because you hang out in my classroom with me all day. You make sure I come to work and are somewhat ready to entertain 18 six year olds. You give me the motivation when I'm ready to give up and the strength to continue. It's all you, I know it's you. If it were up to me, I'd be living under a rock somewhere, hiding from the world so I wouldn't have to face it without you in my arms.  It would be so much easier to not see the faces of those who hear my story and look at me with pity. It is what it is I suppose. 

My first graders look at me with different eyes. Sometimes their eyes of boredom and sometimes eyes of intrigue. Mostly the latter, thank god!

I really like first grade. Dare I say love it? I don't know if I'm ready for such a commitment. I'll go with really like. I like being animated and excited with everything. Yes, I wish they were less chatty, but these kids have to learn to talk to each other somewhere. 

I hope I continue to have the strength to like and perhaps love teaching first grade. They need me. I can see it. They are eager to learn and I am starting to really enjoy being a teacher again. I know that's what you wanted for me all along. I lost my way for awhile which I think is to be expected. I am slowly figuring it all out agin. I hope you're proud of me. I'm sure you are because I'm your momma. 

I think what helped my first week of school was te gifts I received from you. My Genevieve Bear coming on my very first day of school, I am sure is no coincidence. She's perfect. She could never replace you, but she is such a wonderful representation of you and I think will do you proud in family photos.  

Then I received thre book with your name in it. I loved seeing your name in print. There are going to be multiple times where I don't get to see your name. Rosters for dance, te school play, the newspaper for honor roll or graduation. It was so special to see you in this book. Your name is beautiful and wonderful an

d everything you are. To top it off, I saw a rainbow later that day.  I feel like this week was blessed with so many gifts from you. 

I love you. Thank you for helping me have a wonderful week. 

Love,

Mommy 

Sign

Dear God,

Are you there?  It's me, Chrissie. Today has been hard, harder than usual. I woke up around 3 and I could feel the hole in my heart that Genevieve took with her to heaven.  I couldn't fall back to sleep so I've been extremely irritable and grumpy all day. 

I went with my husband to the blood donation center and almost fainted. He donates in honor of our Eve Believe, and I'm the one who gets queasy, light headed, and nauseous. I feel guilty not donating because I'm still trying to get pregnant and can't. It seems cruel that month after month, I tell them no because I'm still not pregnant. Had I known I'd still be trying, I would've donated before. I think it's a way for the guilt monster to get me. 

As the monster consumed me with sadness and misery, I scrolled through Pinterest. And that's when I saw it. A sign. I know it's either a message from you or Eve or both. 

Thank you. It's what I needed. 

Love,

Chrissie