Be Mine

Dear Eve,

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I want you to be my valentine. I want to kiss your cheeks and watch you sleep in my arms and for you to be mine. 

You will always be mine. You will always be our eldest daughter, our first born, and no one can ever take that away. In that sense, you'll always be ours. It just hurts that you can't be physically ours. Not that it's your fault, it just is. 

I read this quote on Pinterest where someone said they hoped babies that are aborted or die go to mothers in heaven who died in childbirth so they could hold a baby. I found it horrifying. I couldn't image you being with a different mother and her pretending you were hers. I image you are with my Grandma Muggy, you're namesake, and with Jesus. Or I imagine you're with other angel babies watching over me. I imagine you tell them I'm yours, just like you'll always be mine. 

When I die, I imagine you'll be given to me again and we will be together with your daddy. Our family finally complete. 

I hope you know how much I love you and how much I think of you. How much I cry for you and how I think of you and feel happiness, not just sadness. 

I hope you'll be my valentine this year. 

I love you and miss you always. 

Love, 

Mommy

Tragically Beautiful

Dear Me, 

Did you ever think you would be at the point where everything horrid and beautiful would be so intertwined that it's hard to tell the two apart? Did you ever think your life would be like this? Short answer no. But it is. 

I think about my life and how it is this beautifully tragic balance of life and death. I made this calendar of my little family and it of course had pictures of Genevieve surrounded by pictures of the husband and I smiling or funny pictures of our animals. I think about how the only real pictures I have of Genevieve are after she passed and how beautifully tragic those are too. This is our life, her death and our continued life interwoven in this web of delicate design. 

I never would have thought of death as beautiful until I met Genevieve. Her cute chubby cheeks and her sweet face will always be perfect in a shade of sepia to hid the fact she was red when born and started to turn purple later on. She will remain perfect forever, never able to sin or make mistakes. She's the epitome of perfection and the cost of that perfection is death. And though she is dead, it doesn't take away how tragically beautiful she is, it's her. 

And so I ponder my life and this delicate web it has become. Life and death are placed on this intricate balance without one side teetering an inch. My life, my family, has this one member missing and yet, I feel that maybe she never left. The scale it can go one way or the other, but it doesn't.  It just is. Like life, it just is. 

And this whole time I find it logically intriguing and emotionally exhausting, but it is mine all the same. 

Sincerely,

Me

Getting pregnant

Dear Universe, God, What Have You,

Trying to get pregnant sucks. I want you to know that. I want you to know I've been trying for a year and I find it infuriating and frustrating that I'm not pregnant. 

I lost my first baby, I should get a free pass on this because I've been through enough. But I don't and I find it incredibly annoying. I hate this. Are you listening world?! I.FUCKING.HATE.THIS!! It's bullshit. I'm mad and frustrated and if another person tells me to relax, I might throat punch him. 

I am doing everything I am supposed to do. I've lost over 10 lbs, I'm eating healthy, I exercise, and I take my prenatal. The husband is healthy so I don't get it. I just don't get it. 

I'm going to be a kick ass mom to a living baby because I'm already a kick ass mom to my dead one. Genevieve made me a better person and I love her for it every day. I wish it turned out differently, but I can't change that and now I am ready for a new little life to love, cherish, and teach. 

I am so ready. I'm so ready I'm annoyed. Trying to get pregnant is the perfect trifecta of helplessness. First you wait to ovulate, then you wait the two week wait until you test to see if you're pregnant, and then if it is negative you wait for your period to show. Then it cycles. It's been cycling for a year now. So what the hell body? What the hell universe? What the hell god? It only took 4 months to get pregnant the first time. 

 

I am ready to be knocked up. Please do this in a timely fashion. Thank you. 

Sincerely,

The willing participant who wants to be nauseous, moody, have back and rib pain, and all other terrible pregnancy symptoms to take home a happy and healthy baby

Birthday

Dear Eve,

I'm turning 29 soon. I'm turning 29 in 15 days to be exact. And I'm not exactly sure how that happened. I was supposed to be 29 with an almost 15 month old in my arms. We both know that won't happen. If I could just hold you one more time, I would never let go. I would hold you and hold you forever. 

What I realized is that if I don't get pregnant by June, I won't have a baby by 30. I don't know why that gives me pause. I know it's just a number and that I'll still be a good mother even if I have my first living baby at 30. 

I don't know why it even bothers me. It seems so silly.  I don't feel 29, I don't feel like any age. It's like I just am. 

I've been thinking about this long and hard and I've decided that whatever age I am ill still be a good mom. I'll be able to provide for a baby much better in my 30's than in my 20's. I'll be able to give your brother or sister a better life than what I would have, had I had a baby in my early 20's. 

I think whenever I have a baby, I'll be so excited and grateful, no matter my age. I'll appreciate him or her that much more because I've waited so long. You'll have a part of it. Your brother and sister will be so loved and cherished since I didn't get to love on and cherish you the way o would like or the way you deserve. I try to do the best I can, but it's hard not getting to hold you and do all those things mommies get to do. But I promise you, no matter my age, I will do those things for your brother or sister. I know I will feel your love through them as you feel mine. 

But in order to get to that place, can ya help your mom out with getting me pregnant?  ;) I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy