Good Friday

Dear Genevieve,

Today is Good Friday, the day Jesus died, and for once I want to go to church.  I want to hear how God handled his death, but I must admit, in all fairness, when Jesus died, he went to be with God and when you died, you did not go to be with me.  Which makes me wonder, wouldn't Jesus' birth be harder for God than his death?  It must have been very difficult to have a child born, knowing he was going to die horrible death.

I think, in part, I want to go to church today because I want to hear the part of the story where Jesus asks God why he has forsaken him.  I can relate to Jesus in the way.  I often wonder the same thing.  Why am I forsaken?  Today I learned that a one of the people in the support group I went to a year ago had a baby and another one is pregnant.  There were 6 couples, including us, that were in this support group, and only your daddy and I don't have a child to hold or are pregnant.   Why am I forsaken?

When I hear this news, Eve Believe, it is so confusing.  I feel happy, jealous, angry, guilty and sad all jumbled into one.  I am happy for them, but I feel left behind and I am jealous because I wonder why isn't this happening for me?  Then I feel angry because it hasn't happened for me yet, and then I immediately feel guilty and sad that I feel anger and jealousy in the first place?  Why can't I just be happy?  Why do I have to feel those other things?  Maybe that is why I am not pregnant because it is hard to feel happy when I first hear about other people getting pregnant, even loss mothers like me.  Maybe I'm not good enough to have a living baby.  I don't know.  I want to think I am good enough, but isn't that arrogant to think?

Recently, someone told me that I have gotten myself comfortable in the anger stage of grief.  I wish it were that easy to have stages of grief.  Then I could just move on to the next one, no big deal.  But grief is much like all the those feelings when I hear someone is pregnant or had a baby.  It is like a kid took a crayon and drew a big scribble mark, chaos.

I wonder if that is how Jesus felt when he knew he was going to die or if that is how God felt when Jesus died or was born.  I wonder if I will find the answers I am looking for in this church service.  I don't know what else is wrong with me that I am not getting pregnant and it leaves me asking, "Why am I forsaken?

I love and miss you always.

Love,

Mommy