Genevieve would be 2 weeks old today. It's hard to believe 2 weeks have already gone by in my haze of crying and disbelief. I never figured I would be one of those unfortunate mothers who had to go on living without her baby. Yet, here I am.
Before this happened, I never could understand how someone could do drugs or become an alcoholic. I can now, and even though it is not an option I would personally take, I can see how amidst the sadness and vulnerability, the need to escape this life.
Grief should be linear. Everyone has heard at least some of the steps, a person should be able to go through each of those steps and go right on to the next one. Grief is more like a wave in the ocean. Sometimes the sadness comes in little waves and as soon as you think you can handle those, a tidal wave comes by to knock you over. Then the undercurrent drags you under and you are pulled out to sea of sorrow.
I've never felt so alone. I carried Genevieve for 34 weeks. We were literally together 24/7 and while I hated being pregnant, I absolutely adored and loved that little girl. I never imagined someone so small could capture my heart and then suddenly be taken from my life.
I'm not the same person I once was, and I wonder what type of person I will be when I finally come out on the other side. Will I like me? Will my husband like me? Will other people like me? I guess only time will tell.
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