Love.

Dear Genevieve,

I love you. That is all. 

Love, 

Mommy

Rainbow

Dear Eve,

Today was a sunny, rainy day. The sun would be shining and the rain would fall from the clear blue sky. There were also storm clouds, but that's not where the rain fell. It was the perfect recipe for a rainbow. 

I used to never be fascinated before by rainbows. But since I've lost you, and I learned what a rainbow baby was, I always look for them. So today was no different. When we were climbing into the van to go to your Grammie's house, I looked. When we drove to Applebee's I looked, and each time I looked, I saw nothing but the sky. 

It was dissappointing because I was hoping it would be a sign from you that I would have my rainbow baby. I continued to search for this elusive rainbow without success. 

I had finally given up and forgot about it. On the way home from your Grammie's, your daddy was talking to me about something and he stops and says, "Hey, look! There's a rainbow. " I look at it and thought, " Oh there you are! I've been searching for you!" It was as if you appeared to me to show me that I will have a rainbow of my own. 

The last few weeks have been difficult  and today was indicative of that. The rainbow only comes to me when I'm not searching. It has taken me awhile, but I finally have come to terms with the idea of focusing on me. I have been doing that a lot lately, but I was becoming stressed over every little thing. 

I want to be at my best for my rainbow and the only way I can do that is to focus on healing. I want to give my all to him or her because he or she will deserve it. Please help me heal. Please keep showing me signs. Please let me know you are there. 

I love you and miss you always.

Love,

Mommy

Breathe, breathe, believe

Dear Genevieve,

It's been difficult. The week leading up to Mother's Day, the actual day, the week after, this last weekend and today have been awful. I was doing so good. I was feeling happiness and comfort, but the last two weeks have been hell. I feel like I've gone backwards. 

This morning I was feeling anxious and so I started to listen to Loud Like Love and "breathe, breathe, believe" part really stuck out to me. I would take a deep breath and just believe you were with me. The thought of you watching over me brought me some comfort when I've felt I've had none. 

When I was younger, I was afraid to die. Now, I'm no longer afraid of death. When it's my time, I will embrace it like an old friend. That is because I know I'll be embracing you. I know you will be there waiting for me. Except, I'm sure it will be no wait at all for you. That is my hope. I don't want you to feel this pain. I want you to feel love and comfort. I want you to be happy. I want all the things for you that I can't have right now. 

You be happy and I'll just be here and remember to breathe, breathe, believe. 

I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

Mother's Day

Dear Eve Believe, 

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I'm ready for it to be over. I know I'm a mother, I know I'm your mother, but I don't feel like a mother. I don't feel like anything. I'm lost without you. I used to have a clear idea of who I was and now I just feel like I muddle through everything with no real purpose. 

Before I used to define myself as a teacher, as if it were a personality trait. Now I view it as something I do, not who I am. This year, I am so lucky to have awesome students. A couple of days ago, one of my students wrote me a letter. In it, she told me that she was sorry you died, but that you will always be with me in my heart. It's ironic she wrote that because the same words were spoken to me by my first grade teacher after my great grandmother died. Second graders have a lot of wisdom in their little bodies. 

Another student gave me a piece of artwork. It was a picture of an owl on a branch and her egg was on a higher branch. She told me the owl was me and the egg was you. I later asked her why and if she did it because you were in heaven and she said she had run out of room. It funny how that happened. It ended up being perfect in the end. 

A third student asked me if she could wish me happy Mother's Day. I made sure to tell her she could. She was the first one to say it to me. It touched my heart to have these girl show me so much love right before the day I'm dreading most. 

It was on Mother's Day last year that I told your Grammie I was pregnant. She was over the moon with joy in becoming your grandma. Annoyingly so. However, she would have never gotten to drive you because she's a horrible driver. I bet she would have taught you about gardening. She really likes to do that. 

This Mother's Day, I will be with your dad doing God knows what. Probably trying to survive. I wonder if anyone else will even wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I hope so because even though I don't feel like a mom, it's nice to be reminded I am one. 

I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy