Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I'm ready for it to be over. I know I'm a mother, I know I'm your mother, but I don't feel like a mother. I don't feel like anything. I'm lost without you. I used to have a clear idea of who I was and now I just feel like I muddle through everything with no real purpose.
Before I used to define myself as a teacher, as if it were a personality trait. Now I view it as something I do, not who I am. This year, I am so lucky to have awesome students. A couple of days ago, one of my students wrote me a letter. In it, she told me that she was sorry you died, but that you will always be with me in my heart. It's ironic she wrote that because the same words were spoken to me by my first grade teacher after my great grandmother died. Second graders have a lot of wisdom in their little bodies.
Another student gave me a piece of artwork. It was a picture of an owl on a branch and her egg was on a higher branch. She told me the owl was me and the egg was you. I later asked her why and if she did it because you were in heaven and she said she had run out of room. It funny how that happened. It ended up being perfect in the end.
A third student asked me if she could wish me happy Mother's Day. I made sure to tell her she could. She was the first one to say it to me. It touched my heart to have these girl show me so much love right before the day I'm dreading most.
It was on Mother's Day last year that I told your Grammie I was pregnant. She was over the moon with joy in becoming your grandma. Annoyingly so. However, she would have never gotten to drive you because she's a horrible driver. I bet she would have taught you about gardening. She really likes to do that.
This Mother's Day, I will be with your dad doing God knows what. Probably trying to survive. I wonder if anyone else will even wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I hope so because even though I don't feel like a mom, it's nice to be reminded I am one.
I love you and miss you always.
Love,
Mommy
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