Confused

I am feeling so confused about this miscarriage. The doctor told me she only saw the gestational sac and there wasn't a yolk or a fetal pole. Was there even a baby? Did I lose a baby? With Genevieve, it was so obvious she was a baby. I held her. I kissed her. I have pictures of her. With this, I have a few sticks I peed on. 

If there was never a heartbeat and a baby wasn't seen, was the baby alive?  Was there a soul? Did I lose a baby? Did I just name a gestational sac?

I miss being pregnant. I miss the possibility of bring a baby home. I miss the happiness and excitement I felt when I was pregnant. I miss looking at onsies that I could possibly put a baby in and discuss names with the husband. I miss those things, but did I lose a baby? Was there a baby? 

If there was a baby there, I probably flushed her down the toilet. So which is better? There being a baby there or not? 

I have these thoughts and questions floating in my head and colliding together. The confusion is frustrating me because it's not precise or neat. Not that baby loss ever is, but with Genevieve I knew what I was missing. I knew what I was grieving, with this, I'm left confused.