Sad 2.0

Dear Raine,

I don't know how to start this letter.  We did not have that much time together.  I was so excited when I found I was pregnant with you.  I couldn't believe it.  We had been trying to so long and then suddenly you were there.  We were ecstatic, we had trouble going back to sleep.  Finally, after fifteen months, I was pregnant with my rainbow baby.

I had told myself before I got pregnant that when I was pregnant I was going to focus on being grateful and sharing my love with my baby for as much time as I can.  I think I did that.  I hope you felt the love your dad and I had for you.

We called you Baby R 2.0 since Genevieve was originally called Baby R.  I would play positive pregnancy hypnosis audio to help me relax and then I would think positive thoughts or talk to you and hoped you get my messages.  You were very loved and very wanted.

I was having trouble figuring out if I had loss a baby or if there was a baby to begin with, and I will probably struggle with that in the future.  But one thing I know was real was the love I felt for you and the love I feel for you still.

As I sit here and type this I am still in disbelief that I have been pregnant two times and have zero live babies to show for it.  I can't believe this happened again.  This time is different, I feel like I barely got to know you and then you were taken away.  It's like I know I am missing something, but I don't know what it is.

Before this I had set plans, my rainbow baby's middle name is going to have Eve in it somewhere to honor their big sister.  I wanted the rainbows to know about their big sister, Genevieve Pearl.  I would want them to know you too, but I have nothing to show for you except a picture of a couple of sticks I peed on.  You were not in any sonogram photos so I'm not sure what to tell future children.  I guess I will have to figure it out when it is time.

I have learned a lot from this experience.  For one, I want to put the nursery together and make it gender neutral.  Before I wanted to do themes, and I still love the idea of themes, but for now I want to make gender neutral and then do a theme when your siblings is a toddler.  I want to try to relax as much as possible and not put pressure on myself to get pregnant again.  That one is easier said then done.  If I didn't think it was even possible, I love your daddy even more.  I want to go back to working out and living my life and I am so lucky to get pregnant again, then I will try to have the same philosophy that I had with you: Love with everything and be grateful for our time together.

I have may have known about you for a week, but you were a wise little embryo.

Love,

Mommy