Learning Experiences

Three years ago today, I learned the most devastating news any pregnant person could possibly hear.  Genevieve no longer had a heartbeat.  It's been three years and I am still unsure how that happened or how my heart could just go on beating when hers didn't. Or even how things like this happen. It wasn't like I did anything wrong.  I didn't smoke or drink or do drugs or even eat foods on those "naughty" lists, but still this awful event happened to me.  In fact, it happens to 1 out of every 160 pregnancies.  It seems like not a lot, but when it it happens to you, it is everything.

I've learned so much about people these past 3 years, for example, people say stupid things when they are uncomfortable, and dead babies make people uncomfortable. 

"Things happen for a reason."  No one whose lost a child believes this malarkey, and the person who says it sounds like an asshole.

"God has a plan."  Please tell me how this helps with the loss of a child?  This doesn't make me feel better because what kind of good plan involves dead babies?

"You'll be able to have more kids." Really?  Is that a guarantee? And even if I am able to have another baby, it still does not make up for the baby that I had to give back.

"Do you think it is healthy to have a picture of your daughter on your phone."  Yes.  Asshole.  It is.  Is it healthy for you to have pictures of your dead family members?  I'm really sorry that my only pictures of her are after she died and it makes YOU uncomfortable.  You couldn't possibly understand how much I wish I had some of her alive, besides the sonograms.

"I can't imagine."  Yes you can, you don't want to.  I get it.  Dead children are hard.  Unfortunately, I don't get the luxury of not having to imagine it.  I live it.

However, I have also learned that people can be genuinely caring and root for you to succeed, and I am not as isolated as I once felt.  There has been so many loving people who've come out of the woodwork to cheer me on throughout this journey.  I've had some great friends listen to me ramble on about Genevieve, ask me to see her picture,  not shun me when I shared my pregnancy stories, and still view me as a mom even though my baby isn't in my arms.  I've met some of the best people through this experience.

I have my doppelganger who is one of my biggest cheerleaders.  I still cannot believe our babies died and were born on the same day.  I mean, what are the odds?  I know Charlie and Genevieve made our friendship possible and knew we had to meet.  I cheered her on during her rainbow twin pregnancy, and she has cheered me on through every step of my infertility after loss journey.  I could not have asked for a better doppelganger.

Red, my loud-mouthed, obnoxious, most caring and wonderful friend and coworker, has been amazing.  She's been there to hear me cry because the grief is so unbearable.   Or listen to my awkward jokes with a empathetic ear because humor is how I deal with things, and talk to me about the prospect of adoption.  I'm so glad she is in my life.

My friend, the self-proclaimed nerd, has been a huge help this past year as I re-navigate the third grade.  She never makes me feel weird for wanting to talk about my little girl or when I tell her the little signs Genevieve shows me.  I'm appreciative of her telling me "things happen for a reason" does not apply to this.  It will never apply to this.  I love my teammate, the self-proclaimed nerd. ❤

The stay-at-home mom let me hold her baby for hours when I came over to see her for the first time.  That was the first baby I held after holding Genevieve.  The time I spent holding her baby reminded me that I still have mama instincts, which was so meaningful for me.  I so appreciate when she checks in with me and talks me down from the edge.  Once in a wave of grief, I told her I bet people would be happy once I got pregnant again because I'm sure they want me "to get over" Genevieve.  She told me everyone will always remember Genevieve.  She said this journey I am on is like a marathon, and everyone wants to see me get to the next water station.  It is something that I think about when I feeling down, and I always can rely on her for words of wisdom.

My old team knew a lot about the struggle of infertility and have been rooting for me since I started teaching at my current school.  When I miscarried with Raine and stayed home for a week, they were there to lean on.  When I went in to the fertility doctor, or had a procedure, or had a failed IUI cycle, they were there to listen.  They were there with their own stories and words of hope.

Yesterday, my new team did something that touched my heart.  They gave me a card telling me they will be thinking of the hubs and I over this weekend because they knew it would be a hard one.  Most people shy away from the topic of dead babies, but they embraced that this is something I have been through, and let me know I can lean on them.  A card may not seem like a big deal, but it meant the world to me.

The women of the third trimester loss community have been my life raft.  Stillbirth is a unique loss since you are forced to give birth to death, and you constantly grieve the future, without having much of a past to remember fondly.  Their eloquence with words has been a godsend to me.  They get it.  Every. Single. Time.  Anytime I get a sign, anytime I want to cry or scream, or curse the world.  They get it.  When it seemed everyone was having their rainbows, except me, they screamed and cursed the world with me.  Every. Single. Time.  I may never have met them in person, but I love and appreciate each and every one of them.

And with that, I have news.  I'm pregnant. 

The hubs had stayed home on November 15.  Just because.  I had asked him to get a pregnancy test, but wasn't sure I wanted to take it.  He encouraged me to take it, and I was angry when two lines didn't show up immediately.  Of course I wasn't pregnant.  Things like that don't work out for me.  So I went in and pouted in the bedroom.  Yes, sometimes I act like the third graders I teach. Anyway, I digress.  I knew something amazing was about to happen when he came into the room with a big smile on his face.  This was it.  This was what I was hoping and praying for for years.

I was on cloud nine.  I was like a giddy school girl.  I was incredibly humble and grateful for this gift.  I started making phone calls at once.  High risk doctor. Check. Fertility doctor. Check. Endocrinologist. Check. OBGYN. Check.  I set up blood work for the next day, and an ultrasound for the next week.  Later that day, I received the results of the HCG in my blood.  82.9.  Officially pregnant.  I had to go back in two days and get my blood retaken to make sure the numbers were going up sufficiently.

The hubs was nervous on Saturday.  I wasn't  I knew it would be okay.  I am not sure how, when it seemed like nothing was okay the past three years, but I felt like the numbers would be where they were supposed to be.  I was right.  They grew to 250.9.  The nurse scheduled me to see the fertility doctor to do an ultrasound on December 4th.  I was ecstatic.  All I needed was to go to my ultrasound with the high risk doctor on Wednesday to see the babe, and I would be good to go.

Wednesday comes, but it was not the appointment I had anticipated.  We saw the gestational sac and nothing else.  I didn't understand.  My numbers grew.  I was nauseous.  I was having all sorts of pregnancy symptoms.  The high risk doctor told me she thought I was having a blighted ovum.  She thought a baby would never form.  She told me I would miscarry over the Thanksgiving holiday so she called my OBGYN to make sure he was available to do an D&C.  She gave me this kit and told me when I miscarried to take the tissue out of my underwear or fish it out of the toilet and put it in the CSI kit.  She wanted to test to see if the tissue had chromosomal abnormalities.  She thought the gestational sac that was there was irregular and said I had internal bleeding.  She did want me to get more blood work and would call me the Friday after Thanksgiving to give me my results.  She said she wanted me to return in another week.

Friday came with no phone call.  I felt so betrayed.  How do you tell someone with MY history all the things she said, tell me you would call me about blood results, and the NOT call?! I was a wreck, wondering what my numbers were, but also terrified to know the truth.  So I called the lab where my blood was collected.  They sent me an encrypted email.  I shook as I opened it.  1141.  Right where they should be.

On Monday, I called the office and gave them an earful.  I cancelled my appointment.  There was no way I was going to hear something terrible the day before the anniversary of my daughter's death.  I figured I would see the fertility doctor on Monday, and if there was something wrong, there is nothing I can do about it anyway and an earlier ultrasound would not change or fix anything. 

Later in the day, I hear from a nurse about my HCG number.  She said they want to run another test, and since the lab closes at 3:30, I rushed over there as fast as I could.  The next morning I received the results right away.  7859! They are going up at an appropriate rate, which means it is doubtful there is a blighted ovum.  I was probably earlier than anticipated.

My next ultrasound is Monday, and everything could go to shit.  But today, the anniversary of the worst day of my life, I decide to share something positive.  I decided to share my pregnancy.  There will never be a "safe" time of this pregnancy.  Genevieve was 34 weeks when she died.  I waited the customary 13 weeks and she died anyway.

So here it is.  I am currently at my next water station.  I'm pregnant.  And I hope and pray this baby is healthy and I get to bring him home.

The test I took on the 11/15/2017.

The Trigger Shot

Dear Eve Believe,

Part of this IUI experience requires me to give myself a shot.  It may seem like no big deal, but with my history of needles, it was a big deal.  When I was younger, I was terrified of them.  Even the thought of getting a shot or having to get blood drawn would make me hyperventilate.  When I was really little, I would run away and hide.  The nurses would have to drag me out and then hold me down in order to get a shot.  Yeah. I was that kid.

 When I was in high school the National Honors Society was having a blood drive.  Everyone with a cabinet position was supposed to help run it, and I was the only one not to do it.  I would have rather gone to class all day then help with the blood drive.  In college, I would look in the other direction when they would have blood drives in the dorms.  I was usually on my way to get lunch and I would feel nauseous eating it.

Let's do this!

I always hoped I wouldn't be diabetic because I didn't know how anyone could poke themselves with  needles.  And as I found out yesterday, they do it pretty easily.  I was told the needle in the trigger shot is similar to the ones used when administering insulin.  I was told it was not going to hurt, but I think the anxiety of the idea of giving myself a shot mixed with the denial that I was as nervous as a I was, blew it up in my head.  So when I took a chunk of stomach one inch from my belly button and stuck myself, the thought that came up was, "Dude, that doesn't hurt at all." Yes.  I thought the word "Dude."

I pushed down the syringe and thought to myself that it wasn't that bad, and then it started to burn.  I started to feel a little dizzy and told myself I was going to finish this shot.  So I did.  I mean, I guess it is not that impressive being that I was by myself and there was no way your dad could help me since he was still at work.  But gosh darn it, I did it!  I am very proud of myself, if you can't tell.  :)

I don't think I am very good at it based on that red spot.

Now that the worse part (so far) is done, I go in for procedure this Sunday.  My anxiety and hopefulness is rolled together in a ball that is currently sitting in my stomach.  After the procedure, I have to wait the dreaded two weeks.  The best part (not) is that I will feel like I am pregnant for the next two weeks because of the lovely trigger shot.  I also can't test early because the trigger shot produces positive pregnancy tests.  I have to wait 14 days to test.

What day might you ask is 14 days from the day of the procedure?  Why, that would be Mother's Day.  Yes. That's right.  Mother's Day.  I found out the day before Mother's Day when I was pregnant with baby Raine.  I mean how wonderful would that be if it was positive on Mother's Day? Then again, how terrible would it be if it was negative on Mother's Day?  I mean the day already stinks because I don't get to spend it with you.  So I am torn about it all, and I am sure  I will take the entire 14 days to think about it and over analyze the entire thing, while feeling pregnancy symptoms the whole time.  Fun.  I need a glass of wine thinking about it.

I love you and think of you.  Always.

Love,

Mom

Sick

Dear Genevieve,

I am currently in bed.  I should be educating the youth of America, but instead I am curled up under my blanket with my tablet, wishing my head ache and stomach pain would go away.  I think it is safe to say that my body is not a fan of the letrozole the doctor put me on.  Stupid body.  You like what I tell you like (foot stomp) dammit!

For most of the past 24 hours I have been in the fetal position clenching my stomach.  I've taken this medication in the past, but this dose is doubled what I took before.  I guess one of the side effects is gas pain/bloating, the kind over the counter medication does not help with, the kind that leaves a 30 year old in the fetal position  hoping this dang iui works the first time because this stinks.  I tried everything too.  Yoga (that was painful), walking, drinking water, eating crackers, hot baths, over the counter medication, and the list goes on.  Sunday Fun Day I think not.

After that episode, I am left today with a pounding headache and gurgling tummy.   Today is my last dose of the medication, fingers cross it gets better and not worse!  Thank goodness I am going to acupuncture today.  My acupuncturist will fix me right up.  If you would have told me a few years ago I would be going to an acupuncturist, I would have laughed at you because me and needles do not mix.  Now, I can tell when I miss a week.  Still not a fan of needles, but giving birth to you gave me a whole new perspective.

Before my body decided to be mean to me, your daddy and I worked in the garden!  Before we were working with pallets, and now we have decided to work with cinder blocks.  It is still your Alice in Wonderland theme and each plot will have the color scheme of a character from the Disney cartoon.   We've been weeding and putting down mulch.  The wonders of read mulch... We have completed the Red Queen plot and put mulch all around the tree.  The next plot will be the Cheshire Cat.  I wish this was your nursery theme instead of the garden theme, and I am trying to appreciate the joy of using my creativity this way to honor you.  I hope you look on the garden with pride.  Except last summer, don't look on with pride then, it was a mess. And really now, you can look at the tree with pride, and the red queen plot with pride, and the trees behind it with pride.  The rest of it you may look on with dismay and say "hop to it, mommy."  But really you should probably not say that to me either because I am the mom and you're the baby.  Just know I love you and I am fixing the garden up to grow things in and hopefully your future siblings will appreciate it.

I think of you and love you always.

Love,
Mom

New Hope

Dear Infertility,

This is just a friendly letter to inform you that you suck.  Seriously.  You are a thief of hopes and dreams. You're all around terrible.  Just. So. You. Know.

I know what you do.  First, you search for people of good character who would be excellent parents.  Then, you sneak around when they do not suspect it and snatch their hope.  You hold it for ransom. Jerk.

Well, I've decided you are not allowed to take my hope.  I am keeping it.  I've gone too long and been through too much to let someone the likes of you get in my way.  I'm an angel mom, and there isn't anything harder than that.  Not. Even. You.

So I will go to my doctor's appointments, I will take that medication, and I will stick myself with needles.  And I will get to bring home my rainbow baby.  You watch me.  It's happening.

Sincerely,
HBIC


I feel so much better writing that.  I can hardly believe I am going through my first cycle of IUI.  I am nervous and excited.  I have a newfound hope.  I walked into the office and was very excited to see this sign that read "Believe in the Possibilities".  It reminded me of my Eve Believe.  It was as if she sent this sign just for me, just to put a smile on my face.  I love that little girl.

I have a feeling this process will be a whirlwind.  I just went to my first ultrasound appointment.  Apparently, I have a good looking uterus and ovaries.  Note to ovaries and uterus: stay that way.

Medication starts tomorrow evening and I am not looking forward to that.  I am hoping I do not have any side effects.  I am guessing since it will mess with my hormones that it will.  Side note: how does one get pregnant so easily the first time and then it becomes increasingly difficult?  I thought people are supposed to be the opposite...

My next appointment is the 28th.  I am hoping everything still looks perfect and I only have to go through this one time.  Fingers crossed.

It's been awhile

Dear Genevieve,

I haven't written to you in awhile.  That is not to say I don't think about you because I do that all the time.  I think about how you'd be walking and running.  I am sure you would be saying "mama" and "dada" among other things by now.  You'd be eating people food.  We'd work on potty training.  You would have had 3 Christmases and 2 Halloweens.  Your dad and I would begin thinking about pre-k in the next year or so.  You're always on my mind.

I have to say I am grateful that you do not have to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president.  I am grateful I don't have to explain how someone so horrible and petty came to power over the free world.  I am grateful you do not have live in fear, like I do.

It has been a struggle.  I struggle to understand my role in this new world order, which I guess is not that new, but I am seeing the old world in a new way.  I am grateful you do not have to grow up in this world, and yet I still want to have a baby.  That is a huge internal battle for me.  I am not sure what I should do.

Part of me wants to crawl under a rock and hide until it is all over and the other part wants me to fight. I mean that sentence in different ways.  As far as society, part of me wants to pull the covers up and just focus on happy-go-lucky things and not pay attention to what is happening in this world.  The other part of me says, "You will absolutely do what is right.  You're students need you too.  Others need you too.  You're baby is watching you and you are going to make her proud."  In regards to trying to conceive, part of me says that I have to keep doing all the tests and actively trying.  The other part says, "OMG leave me alone!"

I think for some people one dilemma (if you would call it that) has clearer answers than the other.  I guess I feel like one decision would lead to another.  For example, if I am unhappy with the world, why bring a baby into it?  Or I could ignore what is happening around me and focus on getting pregnant.  That option would not go over well.  I am a rebel at heart and I can't sit back and pretend monstrosities are not happening around me.  Why can I have/do both the things I want?  Why does this all have to be so complicated?

I don't think there is a correct answer to this, or if there is, I haven't figure it out yet.

I love you and miss you always,

Mommy

Triggered

Dear Genevieve,

Your dad and I took a trip up north to go to your second cousin's wedding. The prospect of going on this trip triggered me big time. The last time we were up there was for your memorial and there were a lot of people we haven't seen since then. I continued to feel embarrassed by the fact my arms were bear and I wasn't pregnant, none of that being your fault by the way. I was worried our family and friends would look at me and assume there must be something wrong with me if I'm still without a baby. I sometimes wonder it myself. 

Before leaving, I had a hard time deciding if I was going to take the Eve Believe bear or not. I was worried it would get lost or that the TSA agents would ruin it because it weighed 6 lbs and 7 oz, just like you. I finally decided that I would leave the bear at home to stay on the safe side because I would be more upset if something happened to her than not having her for a few days. I did, however, bring the pink Alice in Wonderland blanket with your name. 

The trip wasn't as bad as anticipated, but I did have one bad experience.we planned on getting dinner with a couple of friends and their children. I figured I would be able to handle it. 

 There was a baby born a couple of months before you were. It was your daddy's friend's baby. When I saw her, I was curious. I wasn't sure what to accept of a child at that age since I haven't gotten to see you grow up. She was wearing a duplicate of an outfit that was given to you at the baby shower. The one for you is in a different size, but it was surreal to see a baby close to your age wearing an outfit that is in the nursery closet. 

It didn't bother me at first, but after holding her, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to hold you now. She was walking, would you be? She was eating all people food, what food would I be feeding you? She did not enjoy sitting in the high chair, would you have also disliked it, or would you have gone with the flow? It brought to mind all these questions that wouldn't be answered in this lifetime. It seemed so unfair that I didn't have you and I couldn't handle it. I started to tear up. I told myself to get a grip. That didn't work so I hid behind the menu hoping no one would notice the meltdown I was having in the restaurant. Your dad did, so I told him I needed some air. I quickly walked out and around the side of the building and ugly cried. I got a hold of my friend and she talked to me and understood how hard it was for me in that moment. Them your dad came out to see how I was doing and offered to get me some medicine to calm down. 

It took me awhile, but the clozapam started to kick in and I felt like I could return to the table. I was embarrassed even after my friend on the phone and your dad told me there was nothing to be embarrassed of, I hate crying in public. I hate crying. I always ugly cry and my face gets red and my eyes puffy and it looks that way for awhile. Luckily the restaurant was dark so it didn't look as bad. I made it through the rest of the meal and we went back to the hotel. 

Thank god for good friends, your dad, and clozapam. 

I love you and miss you. Always. 

Love, 

Mom

Stepping back

Dear Genevieve, 

I made the really hard decision to step back from the friendship I have with your godmother. Right now she is not a healthy person to be around and I'm so sorry I can't be her friend right now. It's one of those lessons you learn growing up and throughout your life, who you should be around and who you shouldn't. 

Your godmother married someone who was incapable of being a good companion. She knew this going into it and even questioned whether or not she should follow through with getting married. I told her if there was a question in her mind to not get married; however, she thought she would be embarrassed if she called it off so she didn't. Now she's unhappy most of the time. 

As much as I love your godmother, every bad situation she's been in is because she put herself there, and I can't stand by and watch it anymore. It wouldn't be good for me to continue to be friends with someone who hurts herself. I tried to encourage her to get help. I really did. But I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to, and so excuse after excuse was made and no steps of action were taken. 

Genevieve, had you lived, I would have taught you that it's strong to ask for help and how to get out of bad situations. I would have encouraged your independence and courage. I would have taught you that sometimes you have to step away from someone and I'd be here for you when you did. 

So I'm sorry that I have to step away from someone I'm sure you care about, but it is what is best for me at this time. 

I love you. Always. 

Love,

Mom