Your dad and I took a trip up north to go to your second cousin's wedding. The prospect of going on this trip triggered me big time. The last time we were up there was for your memorial and there were a lot of people we haven't seen since then. I continued to feel embarrassed by the fact my arms were bear and I wasn't pregnant, none of that being your fault by the way. I was worried our family and friends would look at me and assume there must be something wrong with me if I'm still without a baby. I sometimes wonder it myself.
Before leaving, I had a hard time deciding if I was going to take the Eve Believe bear or not. I was worried it would get lost or that the TSA agents would ruin it because it weighed 6 lbs and 7 oz, just like you. I finally decided that I would leave the bear at home to stay on the safe side because I would be more upset if something happened to her than not having her for a few days. I did, however, bring the pink Alice in Wonderland blanket with your name.
The trip wasn't as bad as anticipated, but I did have one bad experience.we planned on getting dinner with a couple of friends and their children. I figured I would be able to handle it.
There was a baby born a couple of months before you were. It was your daddy's friend's baby. When I saw her, I was curious. I wasn't sure what to accept of a child at that age since I haven't gotten to see you grow up. She was wearing a duplicate of an outfit that was given to you at the baby shower. The one for you is in a different size, but it was surreal to see a baby close to your age wearing an outfit that is in the nursery closet.
It didn't bother me at first, but after holding her, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to hold you now. She was walking, would you be? She was eating all people food, what food would I be feeding you? She did not enjoy sitting in the high chair, would you have also disliked it, or would you have gone with the flow? It brought to mind all these questions that wouldn't be answered in this lifetime. It seemed so unfair that I didn't have you and I couldn't handle it. I started to tear up. I told myself to get a grip. That didn't work so I hid behind the menu hoping no one would notice the meltdown I was having in the restaurant. Your dad did, so I told him I needed some air. I quickly walked out and around the side of the building and ugly cried. I got a hold of my friend and she talked to me and understood how hard it was for me in that moment. Them your dad came out to see how I was doing and offered to get me some medicine to calm down.
It took me awhile, but the clozapam started to kick in and I felt like I could return to the table. I was embarrassed even after my friend on the phone and your dad told me there was nothing to be embarrassed of, I hate crying in public. I hate crying. I always ugly cry and my face gets red and my eyes puffy and it looks that way for awhile. Luckily the restaurant was dark so it didn't look as bad. I made it through the rest of the meal and we went back to the hotel.
Thank god for good friends, your dad, and clozapam.
I love you and miss you. Always.
Love,
Mom
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