One year later

Dear Eve Believe,

I started a post awhile ago and wanted it to be perfect so it hasn't been posted. That post is below. I have so many feelings that I want to express just right because they are so complicated. I'm sorry I haven't written to you in awhile. I love you and think of you every day. 

I always think about how your first year went by and I missed it. I didn't want to, but I did. Now it's your second year and I'm missing it too. I want to be with you. I keep thinking about why I'm here. I'm not pregnant, I've been trying for an entire year now. Where I work is terrible. There is no support. Life is hard. Harder than I think it should be. I just keep drifting along down this path until there is something I can do about it all.  

I love you and miss you always,

Mommy

It's been 377 days since you died. It's been 377 days that my heart has continued to beat when yours had stopped. It's been 377 days I've lived without you. If you call it living. I suppose it's more of surviving then living. And for the past 377 days, I've thought of you, loved you, and missed you. 

On December 1, 2014 you died and on December 1, 2015, I donated my blood in your honor.  Your blood is my blood and so when I donate it, I'm sharing you. I needed something good to happen that day. I needed it to be the opposite of what it was the year before. I needed to give life to someone because the year before was surrounded in death. 

Your daddy wasn't so sure I would be calm enough to complete the donations. I assured him I would go through with it, even if it was out of pure stubbornness. I'd take a clozepam just in case.  Your daddy drove me to the blood donation center. I brought my Eve Believe bear and the blanket your godmother made to surround myself with things that reminded me of you. 

I held your bear tight as they put the needle into my arm. I held your bear as I wondered if I could do this. I held your bear as I heard your little voice come into my head telling me that I could.  I held your bear when I almost fainted near the end of my donation and the nurses had to tip my chair back while surrounding me with cold packs. 

Day 19- Music

An Open Letter to Placebo:

I want to tell you a love story. More specifically, I want to tell you about mine and my husband's love story. Not with each other, the love story I want to tell you has to do with a tiny little girl named Genevieve. I'm sure when you were writing Loud Like Love, you weren't writing it for a little girl named Genevieve. I'm sure you wrote it based on something in your own life. But I want you to know, that while you may not have known it at the time, you did, in fact, write it for my little girl. You wrote it about us. 

I found out I was pregnant on the 5th of May. While everyone was out celebrating Cinco de Mayo, I was celebrating the little peanut in my tummy. When my husband and I found out we were having a girl, we already had her name chosen. Genevieve Pearl. It was perfect just like her. Classic. It was everything we wanted her to be. We were going to call her Eve. She was going to be spunky and sassy and throw a baseball, just like her daddy. She was going to be outspoken like me. Eve was going to be the best of both Jake and me.

Jake is the fan, not me. Don't get me wrong, I like your music and I'm writing this letter, but Jake is the one who listens to your concerts on YouTube and buys your CDs. Loud Like Love spoke to him. Especially the part that says, "Breathe, Breathe, Believe." Your song reminded him of the sweet baby growing inside my tummy and the nickname "Eve Believe" was born.

We would play Loud Like Love for her and every time it was on, I could feel her dancing. She knew this song was just for her. I knew this song was about us because it described the love we had for her. It was a love song about us. It was a love song about the love we had for our Eve Believe.

On December 1st, I was told the worst possible news a person could hear. "There's no heartbeat." It didn't make sense. Why was there no heartbeat? There must be some kind of mistake. My Eve Believe can't be gone. I haven't gotten to officially meet her and put her Eve Believe onesies on her and all those other things parents get to do with their baby. Our angel was born sleeping on December 3rd.

I didn't listen to Loud Like Love again for awhile. The next time I heard the song was a month later at her memorial. We played it for a church full of our family and friends. It's not really a song one would normally play at a memorial. But it was our song and I wanted it played. However, I was scared that when I heard the song again, I would hate it. It would remind me of all I lost and I didn't know if I could handle it. That's not what it did. It morphed into something new. The lyrics took on a whole new meaning more deep and profound than I previously thought. It was about me. It was about my husband. And it was about our Eve Believe. It made me happy. Truly happy. In the depth of my despair, this song put a smile on my face. I could imagine my daughter rocking out with all of her angel baby friends in heaven.

I still listen to Eve Believe's song. It's our song, my little family with the angel baby. Whenever I need a reminder, I turn it on and remember to "Breathe, Breathe Believe."

Sincerely,

Genevieve's Mommy, Chrissie

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pi_AJxsdOKo

Day 31- Sunset

Well, I missed the sunset. Jake and I were watching scary movies and I completely forgot. Something more exciting happened. 

Jake and I have never had trick or treaters. We've been together for 8 and a half years and we've never had them. We didn't even have them last year, even though we have children on our street. Well, today at 8:30, we had two groups of trick or treaters. One group for Jake to pass out candy, and one for me. I know they were sent our way by our precious Eve Believe. I've been bummed all day and wasn't expecting trick or treaters, even though we bought candy. It really cheered me up. I love when she lets us know she's there. What an awesome way to end this project!  #captureyourgrief #whathealsyou#iam1in4 #rememberthebabies

Day 30- Reflection

I can't believe this project is almost complete! I'm pleasantly surprised I was able to discuss something about each topic. I had never shared any pictures of my sweet girl (minus her feet) on Facebook. The only people ever able to view them where people who looked through her album or at my phone. It was so nice to share her with all of you because she's extraordinary. I don't get to share much about her, and I get very excited when I do get to share the few things I have. 

So I took this picture today. I don't like my picture being taken anymore because I've gained weight. I know I have. I had a baby, she died, and I gained weight. End of story. However, weight gain isn't the only difference between the pictures. I carry this sadness with me now. Wherever I go, it follows. It's not that I never feel happiness, I do. It's just that it's not as often and it's usually jaded with guilt. 

I was hoping that I would get to wear that pumpkin shirt again and announce a new pumpkin is in my life (and belly), but it's not and I can't. I was hoping that tomorrow, I would do the sunset picture with a positive pregnancy test and say "look at this thing I peed on!" I can't. 

I'm not sure how to end this because I was wanting to end this on a hopeful note. I can't. I'm not seeing a rainbow, I only see the storm.

Day 29- What Heals You?

Good question. I think what helps heal me is to hear you are thinking about Genevieve. Or if Genevieve (or her story) impacted your life for the better. Knowing that she won't be forgotten, and even though she's not, physically here, she's still changing this world for the better.

Day 28- Reach Out

I knew that when Genevieve died, I would not be able to do this alone. I knew Jake and I couldn't do it alone. So we reached out. We sought out therapy and went to a support group of other baby loss parents. There we found some amazing people, who we are honored to call our friends. Depression is serious. If you need help, get help. It doesn't make all your problems go away, it gives you coping mechanisms to help you through it. There's no shame in reaching out for help.

Day 27- Self Portrait

I took this self portrait awhile ago. I wanted to be sure I included my bracelet that says "Eve Believe" because she's a part of me now. I may not see her, but she will forever be a part of me.