The Trigger Shot

Dear Eve Believe,

Part of this IUI experience requires me to give myself a shot.  It may seem like no big deal, but with my history of needles, it was a big deal.  When I was younger, I was terrified of them.  Even the thought of getting a shot or having to get blood drawn would make me hyperventilate.  When I was really little, I would run away and hide.  The nurses would have to drag me out and then hold me down in order to get a shot.  Yeah. I was that kid.

 When I was in high school the National Honors Society was having a blood drive.  Everyone with a cabinet position was supposed to help run it, and I was the only one not to do it.  I would have rather gone to class all day then help with the blood drive.  In college, I would look in the other direction when they would have blood drives in the dorms.  I was usually on my way to get lunch and I would feel nauseous eating it.

Let's do this!

I always hoped I wouldn't be diabetic because I didn't know how anyone could poke themselves with  needles.  And as I found out yesterday, they do it pretty easily.  I was told the needle in the trigger shot is similar to the ones used when administering insulin.  I was told it was not going to hurt, but I think the anxiety of the idea of giving myself a shot mixed with the denial that I was as nervous as a I was, blew it up in my head.  So when I took a chunk of stomach one inch from my belly button and stuck myself, the thought that came up was, "Dude, that doesn't hurt at all." Yes.  I thought the word "Dude."

I pushed down the syringe and thought to myself that it wasn't that bad, and then it started to burn.  I started to feel a little dizzy and told myself I was going to finish this shot.  So I did.  I mean, I guess it is not that impressive being that I was by myself and there was no way your dad could help me since he was still at work.  But gosh darn it, I did it!  I am very proud of myself, if you can't tell.  :)

I don't think I am very good at it based on that red spot.

Now that the worse part (so far) is done, I go in for procedure this Sunday.  My anxiety and hopefulness is rolled together in a ball that is currently sitting in my stomach.  After the procedure, I have to wait the dreaded two weeks.  The best part (not) is that I will feel like I am pregnant for the next two weeks because of the lovely trigger shot.  I also can't test early because the trigger shot produces positive pregnancy tests.  I have to wait 14 days to test.

What day might you ask is 14 days from the day of the procedure?  Why, that would be Mother's Day.  Yes. That's right.  Mother's Day.  I found out the day before Mother's Day when I was pregnant with baby Raine.  I mean how wonderful would that be if it was positive on Mother's Day? Then again, how terrible would it be if it was negative on Mother's Day?  I mean the day already stinks because I don't get to spend it with you.  So I am torn about it all, and I am sure  I will take the entire 14 days to think about it and over analyze the entire thing, while feeling pregnancy symptoms the whole time.  Fun.  I need a glass of wine thinking about it.

I love you and think of you.  Always.

Love,

Mom

Sick

Dear Genevieve,

I am currently in bed.  I should be educating the youth of America, but instead I am curled up under my blanket with my tablet, wishing my head ache and stomach pain would go away.  I think it is safe to say that my body is not a fan of the letrozole the doctor put me on.  Stupid body.  You like what I tell you like (foot stomp) dammit!

For most of the past 24 hours I have been in the fetal position clenching my stomach.  I've taken this medication in the past, but this dose is doubled what I took before.  I guess one of the side effects is gas pain/bloating, the kind over the counter medication does not help with, the kind that leaves a 30 year old in the fetal position  hoping this dang iui works the first time because this stinks.  I tried everything too.  Yoga (that was painful), walking, drinking water, eating crackers, hot baths, over the counter medication, and the list goes on.  Sunday Fun Day I think not.

After that episode, I am left today with a pounding headache and gurgling tummy.   Today is my last dose of the medication, fingers cross it gets better and not worse!  Thank goodness I am going to acupuncture today.  My acupuncturist will fix me right up.  If you would have told me a few years ago I would be going to an acupuncturist, I would have laughed at you because me and needles do not mix.  Now, I can tell when I miss a week.  Still not a fan of needles, but giving birth to you gave me a whole new perspective.

Before my body decided to be mean to me, your daddy and I worked in the garden!  Before we were working with pallets, and now we have decided to work with cinder blocks.  It is still your Alice in Wonderland theme and each plot will have the color scheme of a character from the Disney cartoon.   We've been weeding and putting down mulch.  The wonders of read mulch... We have completed the Red Queen plot and put mulch all around the tree.  The next plot will be the Cheshire Cat.  I wish this was your nursery theme instead of the garden theme, and I am trying to appreciate the joy of using my creativity this way to honor you.  I hope you look on the garden with pride.  Except last summer, don't look on with pride then, it was a mess. And really now, you can look at the tree with pride, and the red queen plot with pride, and the trees behind it with pride.  The rest of it you may look on with dismay and say "hop to it, mommy."  But really you should probably not say that to me either because I am the mom and you're the baby.  Just know I love you and I am fixing the garden up to grow things in and hopefully your future siblings will appreciate it.

I think of you and love you always.

Love,
Mom

New Hope

Dear Infertility,

This is just a friendly letter to inform you that you suck.  Seriously.  You are a thief of hopes and dreams. You're all around terrible.  Just. So. You. Know.

I know what you do.  First, you search for people of good character who would be excellent parents.  Then, you sneak around when they do not suspect it and snatch their hope.  You hold it for ransom. Jerk.

Well, I've decided you are not allowed to take my hope.  I am keeping it.  I've gone too long and been through too much to let someone the likes of you get in my way.  I'm an angel mom, and there isn't anything harder than that.  Not. Even. You.

So I will go to my doctor's appointments, I will take that medication, and I will stick myself with needles.  And I will get to bring home my rainbow baby.  You watch me.  It's happening.

Sincerely,
HBIC


I feel so much better writing that.  I can hardly believe I am going through my first cycle of IUI.  I am nervous and excited.  I have a newfound hope.  I walked into the office and was very excited to see this sign that read "Believe in the Possibilities".  It reminded me of my Eve Believe.  It was as if she sent this sign just for me, just to put a smile on my face.  I love that little girl.

I have a feeling this process will be a whirlwind.  I just went to my first ultrasound appointment.  Apparently, I have a good looking uterus and ovaries.  Note to ovaries and uterus: stay that way.

Medication starts tomorrow evening and I am not looking forward to that.  I am hoping I do not have any side effects.  I am guessing since it will mess with my hormones that it will.  Side note: how does one get pregnant so easily the first time and then it becomes increasingly difficult?  I thought people are supposed to be the opposite...

My next appointment is the 28th.  I am hoping everything still looks perfect and I only have to go through this one time.  Fingers crossed.

It's been awhile

Dear Genevieve,

I haven't written to you in awhile.  That is not to say I don't think about you because I do that all the time.  I think about how you'd be walking and running.  I am sure you would be saying "mama" and "dada" among other things by now.  You'd be eating people food.  We'd work on potty training.  You would have had 3 Christmases and 2 Halloweens.  Your dad and I would begin thinking about pre-k in the next year or so.  You're always on my mind.

I have to say I am grateful that you do not have to grow up in a world where Donald Trump is president.  I am grateful I don't have to explain how someone so horrible and petty came to power over the free world.  I am grateful you do not have live in fear, like I do.

It has been a struggle.  I struggle to understand my role in this new world order, which I guess is not that new, but I am seeing the old world in a new way.  I am grateful you do not have to grow up in this world, and yet I still want to have a baby.  That is a huge internal battle for me.  I am not sure what I should do.

Part of me wants to crawl under a rock and hide until it is all over and the other part wants me to fight. I mean that sentence in different ways.  As far as society, part of me wants to pull the covers up and just focus on happy-go-lucky things and not pay attention to what is happening in this world.  The other part of me says, "You will absolutely do what is right.  You're students need you too.  Others need you too.  You're baby is watching you and you are going to make her proud."  In regards to trying to conceive, part of me says that I have to keep doing all the tests and actively trying.  The other part says, "OMG leave me alone!"

I think for some people one dilemma (if you would call it that) has clearer answers than the other.  I guess I feel like one decision would lead to another.  For example, if I am unhappy with the world, why bring a baby into it?  Or I could ignore what is happening around me and focus on getting pregnant.  That option would not go over well.  I am a rebel at heart and I can't sit back and pretend monstrosities are not happening around me.  Why can I have/do both the things I want?  Why does this all have to be so complicated?

I don't think there is a correct answer to this, or if there is, I haven't figure it out yet.

I love you and miss you always,

Mommy

Triggered

Dear Genevieve,

Your dad and I took a trip up north to go to your second cousin's wedding. The prospect of going on this trip triggered me big time. The last time we were up there was for your memorial and there were a lot of people we haven't seen since then. I continued to feel embarrassed by the fact my arms were bear and I wasn't pregnant, none of that being your fault by the way. I was worried our family and friends would look at me and assume there must be something wrong with me if I'm still without a baby. I sometimes wonder it myself. 

Before leaving, I had a hard time deciding if I was going to take the Eve Believe bear or not. I was worried it would get lost or that the TSA agents would ruin it because it weighed 6 lbs and 7 oz, just like you. I finally decided that I would leave the bear at home to stay on the safe side because I would be more upset if something happened to her than not having her for a few days. I did, however, bring the pink Alice in Wonderland blanket with your name. 

The trip wasn't as bad as anticipated, but I did have one bad experience.we planned on getting dinner with a couple of friends and their children. I figured I would be able to handle it. 

 There was a baby born a couple of months before you were. It was your daddy's friend's baby. When I saw her, I was curious. I wasn't sure what to accept of a child at that age since I haven't gotten to see you grow up. She was wearing a duplicate of an outfit that was given to you at the baby shower. The one for you is in a different size, but it was surreal to see a baby close to your age wearing an outfit that is in the nursery closet. 

It didn't bother me at first, but after holding her, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to hold you now. She was walking, would you be? She was eating all people food, what food would I be feeding you? She did not enjoy sitting in the high chair, would you have also disliked it, or would you have gone with the flow? It brought to mind all these questions that wouldn't be answered in this lifetime. It seemed so unfair that I didn't have you and I couldn't handle it. I started to tear up. I told myself to get a grip. That didn't work so I hid behind the menu hoping no one would notice the meltdown I was having in the restaurant. Your dad did, so I told him I needed some air. I quickly walked out and around the side of the building and ugly cried. I got a hold of my friend and she talked to me and understood how hard it was for me in that moment. Them your dad came out to see how I was doing and offered to get me some medicine to calm down. 

It took me awhile, but the clozapam started to kick in and I felt like I could return to the table. I was embarrassed even after my friend on the phone and your dad told me there was nothing to be embarrassed of, I hate crying in public. I hate crying. I always ugly cry and my face gets red and my eyes puffy and it looks that way for awhile. Luckily the restaurant was dark so it didn't look as bad. I made it through the rest of the meal and we went back to the hotel. 

Thank god for good friends, your dad, and clozapam. 

I love you and miss you. Always. 

Love, 

Mom

Stepping back

Dear Genevieve, 

I made the really hard decision to step back from the friendship I have with your godmother. Right now she is not a healthy person to be around and I'm so sorry I can't be her friend right now. It's one of those lessons you learn growing up and throughout your life, who you should be around and who you shouldn't. 

Your godmother married someone who was incapable of being a good companion. She knew this going into it and even questioned whether or not she should follow through with getting married. I told her if there was a question in her mind to not get married; however, she thought she would be embarrassed if she called it off so she didn't. Now she's unhappy most of the time. 

As much as I love your godmother, every bad situation she's been in is because she put herself there, and I can't stand by and watch it anymore. It wouldn't be good for me to continue to be friends with someone who hurts herself. I tried to encourage her to get help. I really did. But I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to, and so excuse after excuse was made and no steps of action were taken. 

Genevieve, had you lived, I would have taught you that it's strong to ask for help and how to get out of bad situations. I would have encouraged your independence and courage. I would have taught you that sometimes you have to step away from someone and I'd be here for you when you did. 

So I'm sorry that I have to step away from someone I'm sure you care about, but it is what is best for me at this time. 

I love you. Always. 

Love,

Mom

Sad 2.0

Dear Raine,

I don't know how to start this letter.  We did not have that much time together.  I was so excited when I found I was pregnant with you.  I couldn't believe it.  We had been trying to so long and then suddenly you were there.  We were ecstatic, we had trouble going back to sleep.  Finally, after fifteen months, I was pregnant with my rainbow baby.

I had told myself before I got pregnant that when I was pregnant I was going to focus on being grateful and sharing my love with my baby for as much time as I can.  I think I did that.  I hope you felt the love your dad and I had for you.

We called you Baby R 2.0 since Genevieve was originally called Baby R.  I would play positive pregnancy hypnosis audio to help me relax and then I would think positive thoughts or talk to you and hoped you get my messages.  You were very loved and very wanted.

I was having trouble figuring out if I had loss a baby or if there was a baby to begin with, and I will probably struggle with that in the future.  But one thing I know was real was the love I felt for you and the love I feel for you still.

As I sit here and type this I am still in disbelief that I have been pregnant two times and have zero live babies to show for it.  I can't believe this happened again.  This time is different, I feel like I barely got to know you and then you were taken away.  It's like I know I am missing something, but I don't know what it is.

Before this I had set plans, my rainbow baby's middle name is going to have Eve in it somewhere to honor their big sister.  I wanted the rainbows to know about their big sister, Genevieve Pearl.  I would want them to know you too, but I have nothing to show for you except a picture of a couple of sticks I peed on.  You were not in any sonogram photos so I'm not sure what to tell future children.  I guess I will have to figure it out when it is time.

I have learned a lot from this experience.  For one, I want to put the nursery together and make it gender neutral.  Before I wanted to do themes, and I still love the idea of themes, but for now I want to make gender neutral and then do a theme when your siblings is a toddler.  I want to try to relax as much as possible and not put pressure on myself to get pregnant again.  That one is easier said then done.  If I didn't think it was even possible, I love your daddy even more.  I want to go back to working out and living my life and I am so lucky to get pregnant again, then I will try to have the same philosophy that I had with you: Love with everything and be grateful for our time together.

I have may have known about you for a week, but you were a wise little embryo.

Love,

Mommy