Day 1- Sunrise

Jake and I purchased our minivan as the "Rickmon family vehicle" because we needed something that would fit our daughter and our two dogs. Every morning I wake up and drive to school in a minivan that has no car seat in the back. 

#captureyourgrief #whathealsyou #iam1in4 #rememberthebabies

#captureyourgrief

Dear Genevieve,

I wrote about you every day in the month of October in the Carly Marie #captureyourgrief campaign. It was healing in so many ways. However, the posts are on Facebook and so I want to keep them save by transferring them over to here. That way I can look at them whenever I want. 

I love you sweet girl. 

Love, 

Mommy

***edited to add- when I started copying these over, I skipped day 19 and it ended up going in last. I tried to figure out a way to put it where it belonged, but couldn't do it. Then, it dawned on me, it was exactly where it needed to be.  It sums up what this project was, what this entire blog is: a love story. 

Mommy Instincts

Eve Believe,

Yesterday I went to visit my friend who had the baby I asked you to look after. The first time I saw her and held her I felt very encouraged and hopeful about having my rainbow baby. This time I did something amazing! 

I guess Em is cranky in the afternoon and  has been fighting going to sleep. I don't have much experience with that so when I held her and she was fussy, I wasn't 100 percent on what I should do. 

I gave her the pacifier and after awhile she would fuss. I tried to put her in different positions which worked for a little until she fussed again. I was feeling like a failure. Babies are pretty simple, they eat, sleep, and poop, and I couldn't figure out how to make this one happy.  She started to cry.  I turned to my friend and say, "I don't know what to do." 

She said she'd go to the bathroom and take her when she came back. That's when it happened Eve Believe! My mommy instincts kicked in! I knew what to do!  I took her blanket and wrapped it around her and held her tight, next to my chest. Sure enough she stopped and  fell asleep. My friend came out to a quiets room. I did it! I was so proud of myself. I had one of those mommy instinct moments that remind me I am still a mom and will be a great one to my rainbow baby! 

Of course, once I had her sleeping and cozy, I had to use the bathroom. So I gave her back to her mom and went. The best part was she stayed asleep too. I got Em to fall asleep and stay asleep, at least for a little while. 

I love you and miss you every day!  

Love,

Mommy

Stare

Dear Genevieve,

I often find myself staring at your picture. I stare at you and I see parts of me. The curves of your lips match mine. You have a cute little button nose and my round face. You're so beautiful. I stare at your picture and ponder at how I made someone so perfect. You are so perfect. God decided to keep you because of how perfect you are. 

I so wish I could hold you and cuddle you. Instead I hold my Genevieve bear. She's perfect too. She's pink and has teacups on her belly to represent your Alice in Wonderland nursery theme. She weighs as much as you did. 6 lbs 6 oz. when I especially miss you, I hold her and it brings me some comfort. I put one of your headbands on her. It was nice to put one of those on her, but as I wrapped it around her head I couldn't help but feel a pang that said it should be your head. 

I think I'll always feel that way. 

Someone on a support board asked how we envision our babies in heaven. I imagine you're with my Grandma Muggy and my Aunt Darlene. I imagine they are holding you and showing you love. I imagine you watching Dinosaurs with us and Grandma Muggy since I watched it with her too. I used to play store with my Aunt Darlene so I imagine you doing that too. I imagine you are playing with baby Patricia. 

I'm hoping time passes differently there. I hope you blink your eyes and I'm there.  I wonder if the past present and future mingle together in one continuous stream. I certainly hope you don't feel the passage of time as I do. It seems to drag on and the idea of the next 50+ years without you seems so unbareable at times. I don't want you to feel the wait for me to finally arrive. I want you to turn around to look back at me and I'm there to hold you. 

As I stare at you, I'll hold you hand, kiss your checks and tell you I'm finally home. 

I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy

Tests

Dear God,

I have to say I'm tired of these "tests." I finally feel a wee bit at peace and then it's like BAM! It slaps me in the face, knocks me off balance, and takes awhile for me to pick myself up again. Can't a girl get a break?!

I start to feel like I can get a handle on my life again, and then I get a text. The mother who brought her living, breathing, noise-making baby to dead baby's memorial, which happened to be in an echo-enhancing church, decided to text me. 

"Hey," she said. Being that we've never been friends, I didn't know who texted me. I asked, thinking it must be someone on my new team. It wasn't, it was her. I'm not sure how she got my number, but there she was. "Hey."  

So I bluntly told her it wasn't okay for her to text me and unless she planned to apologize for bringing her baby to Genevieve's memorial, I wasn't interested in anything she had to say. That's when she did it. She gave me the non-apology, littered with enough excuses to fill an Olympic- sized swimming pool.  

First, she tells me her mom has breast cancer so she couldn't watch the baby. Yeah God, I get that cancer sucks, but you know what also sucks? Bringing a baby to another baby's memorial! The two are unrelated and having a mom with breast cancer doesn't make what she did okay. Then, she tells me she ASSUMED her boyfriend's (the guy who used to be the hubs' best friend) parents were working. She didn't ask if they could watch the baby. She ended it with saying she thought we would be mad if they didn't come. God, we weren't friends. We didn't even talk. It would not have upset us at all if she stayed home with her baby and her boyfriend came alone to support his best friend. We asked the two of them to not bring the baby multiple times. They said they sat in the back so we wouldn't see her. Her car seat was the first thing I saw when I walked in. It was wrong and they made a very difficult day even harder. I'm mad it happened and I'm pissed she tried to justify her actions. 

Me being me, I basically read her the riot act. I said she didn't give me an apology but a bunch of excuses, that if she was assuming things she should assumed we wouldn't have been upset if she stayed home with the baby. I reminded her that we weren't friends and that I thought after I took her off my "friends list" on Facebook and then denied her many attempts to "be friends", she'd get the hint. I then told her that I was not sure who gave her my number, but I would be blocking her so I didn't have to hear from her again.  She could continue to message me, but because she was blocked, I would never receive them. Why exactly did this person come back into my life? What exactly did I get out of that besides another headache?

Fine. Whatever. I dealt with it. I started to go back to this new normal. I start to get more into a routine at work and feel like my classroom is finally starting to come together. I'm a bit worried about the craft fair I am doing at the end of the month, so I sit and crochet a hat I needed to finish. That's when the hubs tells me the news in great hubs fashion. 

"By the way, your mom wants me to tell you that your cousin's pregnant."  My veins turn to venom and all I see is red. Had it not been for the pearl ring on my hand, God, I would have punched a wall. I was frozen in rage. My breath deepened and I was sure steam was starting to come from my ears. I just thought about punching that wall over and over again, but I kept touching my ring and thinking how I didn't want to break it.

God, why did you make guys so dumb? Perhaps if he warned me first I would get angry, I wouldn't have had such a visceral reaction.  I have another cousin who knocked up his girlfriend, I was irritated, but felt nothing of what I felt after hearing about "this" cousin getting pregnant. 

Perhaps if "this" cousin hadn't acted like she was so much better than me my entire life. Perhaps if she hadn't told me that we were on different levels or different worlds and implied that I wasn't good enough for hers. Perhaps had she not told me that being a teacher doesn't really affect children's lives because I only see them 7 hours a day. Perhaps if she didn't complained to her mom that I "hurt" her feelings because I asked a question about her college. Perhaps if all those things didn't happen or all the similar things like that didn't happen throughout my childhood, then I could maybe feel a tiny bit happy for her. 

God, that was the one person I asked to be pregnant before. You seriously couldn't help me out on that? Really? I don't understand it. I'm not materialistic, I'm not selfish, I try to help others, I try to be a good person, I don't think I'm better than anyone. Why don't I have my Eve Believe? Why aren't I pregnant yet? I could use some help. 

By the way, I think I failed your tests. 

Love,

One confused mama

First Grade

Dear Eve Believe,

Did you know I'm now a first grade teacher? Of course you did because you hang out in my classroom with me all day. You make sure I come to work and are somewhat ready to entertain 18 six year olds. You give me the motivation when I'm ready to give up and the strength to continue. It's all you, I know it's you. If it were up to me, I'd be living under a rock somewhere, hiding from the world so I wouldn't have to face it without you in my arms.  It would be so much easier to not see the faces of those who hear my story and look at me with pity. It is what it is I suppose. 

My first graders look at me with different eyes. Sometimes their eyes of boredom and sometimes eyes of intrigue. Mostly the latter, thank god!

I really like first grade. Dare I say love it? I don't know if I'm ready for such a commitment. I'll go with really like. I like being animated and excited with everything. Yes, I wish they were less chatty, but these kids have to learn to talk to each other somewhere. 

I hope I continue to have the strength to like and perhaps love teaching first grade. They need me. I can see it. They are eager to learn and I am starting to really enjoy being a teacher again. I know that's what you wanted for me all along. I lost my way for awhile which I think is to be expected. I am slowly figuring it all out agin. I hope you're proud of me. I'm sure you are because I'm your momma. 

I think what helped my first week of school was te gifts I received from you. My Genevieve Bear coming on my very first day of school, I am sure is no coincidence. She's perfect. She could never replace you, but she is such a wonderful representation of you and I think will do you proud in family photos.  

Then I received thre book with your name in it. I loved seeing your name in print. There are going to be multiple times where I don't get to see your name. Rosters for dance, te school play, the newspaper for honor roll or graduation. It was so special to see you in this book. Your name is beautiful and wonderful an

d everything you are. To top it off, I saw a rainbow later that day.  I feel like this week was blessed with so many gifts from you. 

I love you. Thank you for helping me have a wonderful week. 

Love,

Mommy 

Sign

Dear God,

Are you there?  It's me, Chrissie. Today has been hard, harder than usual. I woke up around 3 and I could feel the hole in my heart that Genevieve took with her to heaven.  I couldn't fall back to sleep so I've been extremely irritable and grumpy all day. 

I went with my husband to the blood donation center and almost fainted. He donates in honor of our Eve Believe, and I'm the one who gets queasy, light headed, and nauseous. I feel guilty not donating because I'm still trying to get pregnant and can't. It seems cruel that month after month, I tell them no because I'm still not pregnant. Had I known I'd still be trying, I would've donated before. I think it's a way for the guilt monster to get me. 

As the monster consumed me with sadness and misery, I scrolled through Pinterest. And that's when I saw it. A sign. I know it's either a message from you or Eve or both. 

Thank you. It's what I needed. 

Love,

Chrissie