The Letter

Dear Genevieve, 

I offered to write a letter to the couple who was unsure if they want to donate their embryos. I figured I would pour my heart out and it would come together, but that wasn’t exactly how it came out. 

First, I wrote about our journey to parenthood, but then I thought would this freak them out? Would they assume I would just have another stillbirth? I know there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome, but would they get it?

I wrote about your dad and myself. I wrote about our careers and hopes and dreams. Then, I wrote a letter to future children, where I poured my heart out.  None of it seemed right. 

I’m at a loss. How do I tell someone, “Hey those embryos you have stored in the freezer you plan on never using, I want them. Gimme.” ? I am not sure where to start, but in the end I want a baby to take home. Your dad and I would be really good parents, and hope against all odds that we get to accomplish that. 

Love you always,

Mom

To the family member who thinks everything revolves around her

This is a blog entry for you.  And yes, this is all about you.

There is no way you could possibly understand how I feel, but I will try my best to help you be a bit more compassionate. 

Imagine one of your children or your unborn grandchild dead.  Did your mind automatically switch to "I can't possibly think of something so awful" or did you feel like you were going to throw up?  Imagine all of the what ifs you would have?  Would it be anything you could get over or past?  Now imagine what it would feel like to watch one of your children try and try and try to have a child after the first one died.  Imagine what it would feel like to have miscarriage after miscarriage and spend thousands trying to have a baby.  Just imagine for a moment, how it must feel to be me.  Or even my mom.  Could you do it?  Could you let your mind go there? 

I'm guessing you didn't.  I'm guessing you couldn't let yourself do it.  And I'm guessing if you ever read this, you’ll feel like the victim in a cruel joke.  But the truth is, in this story, you're an antagonist.  You are an "other."  There is no way you could fully understand what life is like without one of your children, and you think we should forget about our babies and just be fine with it.  Your attitude is one of the many scars us warrior mamas wear, and we refuse to do as you wish.

True story.  Not everything about you.

Our love for our children isn't about you.

The hurt we feel because a living child you raised was ignorant isn't your hurt. It is hurt you helped inflict because you feel no compassion towards anyone else.

You aren't the victim.  You're the villain.

It’s been over a year

Dear Genevieve, 

The last year and a half has been very turbulent. We faced multiple failed IVF cycles, and I even went through medically induced menopause. It was not fun by any means. 

All of the heartbreak and disappointment has opened our hearts to embryo adoption.  Couples who have embryos they will not use can be donated to couples like us.  I found out a couple of days ago we have a potential embryo and there may be a second one. I’m really excited about it and I’m so hopeful this will work out.  I am going to write a letter to the genetic parents to let them know. Our story and how much love we have to give our future baby. 

The past 5 years, I’ve struggled with depression big time. However, I have decided year 33 is going to be the best year, and I’m trying my darnest to make it happen.  Your dad and I have been noticing all the little signs you’ve sent us. We miss you and love you so much. 

Love always,

Mom

So you're pregnant and you want me to know, but you're also afraid of hurting me

I want to start with how sweet of you to care so much about my feelings and understand I have not gone down an easy road with having a stillborn, secondary infertility, and two failed IVF attempts.  And trust me when I say, I get why it might be awkward to tell me your good news when I have had such crappy news of my own. But there are good ways to tell me and ways that are just hurtful.

Finding out on social media is the worst.  That one hurts.  A lot.  Mostly because it comes out of nowhere for me.  It feels like I am walking down the street and someone comes up and sucker punches me in the gut.   It is not as bad as it was before and now I can "unfollow" and go about my day.  I get it, not everyone in the world is going to come to me and tell me they are pregnant, but if you want to hurt someone whose gone through what I have, that is definitely the way to do it.

 Honestly, finding out from anyone other than the person who is pregnant is really hurtful.  I have a couple of cousins who became pregnant and both had their moms tell my mom, who told my husband to tell me.  Now let me explain to you why this method is not okay.  First and foremost, I am not a child.  I am not going to break because someone else is pregnant.  Will I feel bad for myself?  Absolutely.  But I am capable of feeling more than one emotion at a time.  It is possible to feel happy for someone else and still bummed about my situation.  Telling my mother to tell me is incredibly inappropriate and quite frankly, cowardly.  If you care enough about my feelings and respect what I have gone through, respect me enough to tell me yourself.

One of my very good friends is having her third rainbow.  I didn't find out until halfway through her pregnancy because she was terrified to tell me.  She didn't want to make me feel worse than I already was because I was going through the failed IVF cycles, but she did tell me.  I was sad she didn't tell me right way, but I get it.  She really, really cared about me and knew I was hurting.  The difference between how I found out about my cousins and how I found out about her was that she did tell me herself.  Yes, it was later, and I so appreciate the courage she had to tell me.  It showed me how much she did care.

The best way to tell me you're pregnant is through a text or an instant message.  It allows me to react however I am going to without an audience and I will respond when I am ready.  It might not be right away, but I will most likely respond at some point.  Maybe.  I will respect you significantly more than if you choose a different way.  Other loss parents, people dealing with infertility, or what-have-you may prefer a different method, but I have found messaging me directly is the best way to tell me.  It says, "I love you, I don't want to hurt you, I respect what you've been through, and I want you to know my good news." 

The thing you're not told about IVF

My second round of stim medication was much more successful than the first.  The first only gave me 2 eggs, one did not fertilize, and the other one did and then stopped.  This time I produced 6 eggs, 3 of them fertilized right away, and 2 hadn't at the time but I shouldn't count them out.

Last time, I did 29 injections and my doctor thought maybe it overloaded my body and I wasn't able to produce very much.  This time I took an oral medication for 6 days with an injection in the evenings.  Once I stopped the oral meds, I had one injection in the morning and one in the evening.  Last time, I didn't have bruises.  This time my stomach looked like this:

But you know what, if it gets me my take home baby, I'll take it. And it definitely gave me better results.  Look how happy I am when I found out they retrieved six eggs:

I'm wearing that oxygen mask because apparently when I am put under to do the procedure, I stop breathing.  I get assisted breathing and I am the only person in the whole office that gets this special treatment (because I am the only one in the whole office who needs the special treatment).

What I was not told was how much you crash when they take out your eggs.  Last time, it was the end of the school year so I was busy with that and most teachers are "over it" by that time anyway.  Plus, the hormone protocol I was given, obviously wasn't very good as I didn't react to it.  This time, the crash has been awful.  I get it, I produced all these hormones and then the things with the hormones come out and now it's like my body is falling off a cliff while trying to develop wings to fly.  Think postpartum.  Think menopausal.  Think Hell.  Cause that is what it is.  I definitely don't feel like myself.  Then I get upset that I don't feel like myself, which causes me to be upset that I am upset, and so on and so forth. Then logic tries to step in and tell me everything is going to be alright and it's just the lack of hormones and I am like "Shut up logic, you know nothing! NOTHING!!! It is clearly the end of the world."

And I get to experience this until my cycle starts over (please be soon, please be soon).  So I am excited about the 3 embryos and possible 2 more, I am ready for it to be Saturday around lunch time to see how they did, I have no hormones (I mean I do, but I'm not feeling them), and I am currently hiding in the nursery because even the cats are annoying me.

Again, if this brings me my take home baby, it will all be worth it.

Twas the Night Before Injection One

Dear Eve Believe,

Today I went to do my baseline ultrasound and blood work.  This will give the doctor something to compare my other blood work to as this process continues.  I know I have snapped this picture before, but it reminds me of you.  And... I am attempting to be optimistic.

Here's a picture of me waiting to get the exam... because... yay, this is finally happening?

Everything looks good so I have the go ahead to start injections tomorrow.  In the morning, I will be mixing and injecting Menopur and in the evening I will be injecting Gonal F.  I've reviewed, in my head, multiple times how to mix the Menopur and I hoping it will go smoothly.

I've also read tons of blogs about tips and tricks about Menopur because I've read it burns.  The game plan is to mix the Menopur when I get up and let it sit for 10 or so minutes before injecting it.  I also am going to use a half cc instead of one full one since the nurse said that was fine and I read the medicine stings less that way.

In the evening, I will be giving myself Gonal F, which I've read is very easy and the side effects are not that bad.  I plan to have that out for about 10 minutes too, since it is currently in the fridge, before administering it.

I am not nervous about giving myself shots, but that may change tomorrow when I have to actually do it.  I am more eager to get this show on the road.  I have everything set up in the nursery for tomorrow.

Don't mind the back yard!

I have my tackle box on an end table so I can easily mix, and the comfy chair I planned to rock you in (but will now be sitting in to stab myself in the stomach with needles), my calendar so I can cross off the injection I took, and my believe sign with Alice in Wonderland figurines by it.  Here is a close up:

Your Grandpa sent me those for Mother's Day.  This is my favorite part of the room because it makes me feel like you are close by and rooting me on.

I also finished coloring my calendar for this month and wanted to take a picture of it because it reminded me of my goal: to bring home a rainbow.

However, as I was taking pictures, somebody insisted that the calendar was on the floor for him to sit on... because of course it was.

WhiteWalker says this is how he cheers me on

I miss you and love you always.

Mom

IVF Prep

The hubster and I are embarking on our next journey to bring home a rainbow baby.  IVF.  We went to our final consultation where our heads exploded with new information.  Not really, but we did learn about the medication I will be injecting into myself and how to do it.  That's right, me.  As much as I love my husband, he is not giving me injections.  All of the shots are subcutaneous like the one I did for the IUI.  I was nervous more would be intramuscular because those stink, but those come later (dang-it).

I was given my protocol and did some research and here are some things I have learned:

• My entire process will take around 3 cycles.  The one I learned about was the follicle stimulation.
• I have high dosages of medication- 150 units of Menopur and 300 units of Gonal F- compared to the people I've seen on the videos.  I'm guessing because my AMH number is so low (0.5, when it should be 3.1).
• I get the honor of injecting myself twice a day.  The morning will be the 150 units of Menopur and in the evening the 300 units of Gonal F.
• At some point, I will be doing two shots in the morning the Menopur and then adding in Cetrotide so I don't actually ovulate the eggs I am growing.
• I will be giving myself 2-3 shots for around 10 days.
• I will bloat and look pregnant- how exciting 😐
• The egg retrieval process sounds terrible and I am glad I will be knocked out for it.
• I need to get organized.
• I have a lot of shopping to do! 😃
• I am so glad I have some pudge on my tummy so I have something to grab and stick the needle into and it should hurt less.  Score 1 for stomach flub! 

I've already had adventures with this whole thing.  I set up everything with the medication and told the pharmacy to ship it to my school to ensure I got the medication and it was not sitting outside the house.  However, I received a message during the school day saying it was not being shipped to the school, but instead my house by 10:30 p.m.  The hubster heads home to work from there in the case the medication came before I was able to get home. Then, I was called to tell me the medication missed its flight and will be dropped off at 1:00 a.m.  😐 Seriously? Hubby slept on the couch since he could sleep in and I couldn't and he didn't want me woken up.  Yeah, the UPS Critical Express guy called my phone twice, which is connected to my Fitbit so my wrist buzzed.  I wasn't sleeping through that.  The next morning, I was exhausted but survived teaching my third graders.  

On a lighter note, I also did a lot of shopping to help prepare!  Yay!  After reading several blogs, I ordered a variety of things from Amazon (who does not love Amazon?!) and went shopping at Ross.

First, I ordered a pink and purple tackle box to help organize my medicine, syringes, needles, gauze, alcohol pads, band-aids, etc. Otherwise, doing medicine each morning will be a hot mess.

Look how organized I am!  This isn't even all of the medication I have for the Stims cycle. I have also taken over one of the vegetable crispers to store my medication. 😆

Another suggestion I read from a blog was to get fun band-aids.  I agreed with that blogger, if I am going to poke my self multiple times a day, I might as well find fun band-aids to amuse myself.  I asked several colleagues if they had any fun character circle band-aids from the packages brought in at the beginning of the year since those aren't usually used.  With the stash my friends gave me, and the ones I ordered online, I am good to go with band-aids!

I am loving my childhood throwback band-aids.  Not only will I get a kick out of looking at them, they will tell me where NOT to inject myself again.  😊

I also read that it is helpful to get an IVF bag.  This would be the bag I bring to all of my appointments and there will be many.  I had a hard time choosing a bag and then one of my sweet coworkers gave me the Thirty-One bag she got from the Free Teacher Store.  It has so many compartments and is perfect!

How sweet is my coworker for giving me this bag for IVF?! 

I've already filled it with my IVF paperwork, a calendar, a pair of socks (in case a wear flip flop and I want to put them on before putting my feet in the stirrups), a copy of Alice in Wonderland (that was going to be Genevieve's nursery theme), and a pen.

You cant see what type of socks I have, but I can assure you they have cats on them! 😺

Now the hubster and I have to clean the nursery since that is where I want to do the injections.  It is a cat free zone.  Right now it looks like a dumpster fire.

I am hoping I'll stay excited to do the injections in this room in the hopes I will get to bring home a baby to actually live in it.

Before judging me too harshly on how the nursery looks, it used to look worse. I had a grand vision for this Alice in Wonderland room.  I didn't want it to be in your face Alice in Wonderland, but I wanted the room to be whimsical.  The hubby and I happened to have a painting of a garden tea party we bought on our honeymoon that we would hang on the wall.  I was going to create a couple of light fixtures out of teacups I found in a box at my grandmother's house after she died.  I was given a bunny (March Hare) that played music to put on the crib.  I had my Pink Baby and White Baby from my childhood who I was going to put on a shelf to represent the Tweedles.  I was going to make this cross stitch of a little girl with her cat (who looked my cat, Toby) since Alice had a cat in the movie.  It was going to be subtle and vintage and wonderful.

When Genevieve died, my mom and husband came to the house a moved all of the baby things all over the house into the nursery and closed the door.  After Rainne, we decided to do a neutral room.  My dad put up the wainscoting and we painted over the pink.  Not all of it, if you remove the boards you will see the pink.  It's like Genevieve, still there, you just can't see it.

Anyway, the nursery became this storage room for all of the things we didn't want the cats to touch.  If we didn't want to deal with something, it went into that room.  Before we painted the room, we put away all of the baby things, and those are currently stored in closet waiting to be used.  Now we are going through the rest of the stuff in there.  We are either finding new homes for it or throwing it away.

It makes sense to do the shots in there. I can be away from "helpful" kitties and hopefully be encourage to keep going so I can eventually bring home my rainbow baby to that room.

Now it is ready for me to set up my shot station!😍