The first letter I wrote you was very angry. However, I know you have broad shoulders and can handle anything I dish out. I know you expect me to be pissed and love me anyway. You can keep on loving me and I will keep being pissed.
I'm not as angry as I was in my first letter. I'm coming to grips that this happened to me. I'm still broken hearted and I know that I will always be missing a piece, but I am learning to live with it.
I have to say that I get angry when I read other people write on Facebook how you've blessed them and wonder why I wasn't blessed with my baby. I don't feel blessed, I feel like I'm the butt of a giant joke. I don't understand why she had to die. It makes no sense to me and I'm coming to terms with the fact that it probably never will.
I can't say I'm at the point of forgiveness and I don't know if I will ever get there. I am getting to acceptance. That may be the closest I get to it. I can also say I still love you, but I'm so hurt by you taking my baby. I would have been so happy with just having Genevieve. I miss her so much. Sometimes I think I will drown in my tears.
I feel like my soul is dark. Not that I'm turning evil, but that the curtain has been pulled from my eyes and I see all of the injustices of the world. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just be evil. It seems like good things happen to bad people anyway.
I won't turn evil, I can't. I care too much. I'm sure you already know that.
I'm at a point where I want to get pregnant again. I'm petrified. I wonder if I'll get my rainbow baby and I'm sure when I do get pregnant, I'll be scared if I will get to keep my rainbow baby. I don't know if I can handle losing another baby.
I need to know I'll be okay. I need to know that I can carry a baby to term and give birth to a living baby. I need to know that I will survive this and will get to be a mommy to a living baby. I need to be healed. Most importantly, I need to know you still love me and your taking care of my sweet girl.
Sincerely,
One sad momma
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