Losing

Part of the loss of a child that no one tells you about is the loss of everything else. Of course, people don't like to talk about the loss of a child either. It makes them uncomfortable. The fact of the matter is, kids die, babies die, people in general die, and some day we all will die. Not talking about it doesn't prevent it from happening, it isolates those of us who must deal with the grief. 

I didn't just lose Genevieve, I lost my innocence, friends, family, my faith was shook to its core, and I lost me. I'm not the same person I once was, I'll never be that person again. That person was pre-Genevieve and I don't want to be her again. I want to love my sweet girl. I want to be her mommy, even if that means I will forever walk this earth with holes left in my heart in the shape of her footprints. 

I am trying to decide what person I would like to become. I could be bitter. That would be easy. I'm already angry, but I'm also stubborn and I don't think letting anger define who I am will help anyone. It is not how I would want Genevieve to live. I don't want her to watch me from heaven and feel guilty that her mommy had become a monster. 

However, I will forever be skeptical and wait for the other shoe to fall. I'm not going to appreciate being told to relax because the worst possible thing has already happened to me. My daughter died. Of course, it's nearly impossible for me to be optimistic. I know I don't need other people to make me feel guilty for being worried because that's not going to help me. 

So I lay here with all these thoughts floating around my head. I sit here and think of all the things I've lost since losing her.  I can't say I was ever happy-go-lucky, but I definitely lost my innocence. I can see the world for what it is, ugly. People are cruel, and a lot of them want to make themselves feel better because I'm in pain. They say what makes them feel good about the situation I'm in and it leaves me feeling angry. It's frustrating to have to go through this and people say the wrong things. All for the sake of cheering me up. I don't want to be cheered up, I want to be accepted. I want my pain to be acknowledged and for people to know I'm pissed and this fucking sucks. 

The hubby and I each had 5 people stand up for us at our wedding. Out of those 10 people, 6 showed up and one had to be kicked out for bring his infant daughter. Those other 4 are no longer our friends and there is no chance for redemption. Our best man, who brought his baby, is no longer our friend and we will not have anything else to do with him. I feel awful for my husband that his best friend did this to him. The loss of friends is not something we thought we'd endure when losing a baby. 

Several members of my family didn't come to Genevieve's memorial and I do not plan on talking to them any further. If you will not stand with me at my worst of times, you do not get me in my best of times. We've also had to cut out my parents in law, specifically, my mother in law. She refused to acknowledge our daughter or say her name. She was manipulative towards her son, my husband, and shared intimate details about her other child just so she wouldn't have to say Genevieve's name.  If she didn't want to be a grandma to Genevieve, we don't need her being one to future babies. Our children need people to be there for them and love them in their worst of times, not only their best of times. 

This journey has infinitely put a line throughout the world. Us and Them. There are Us who have lost our most precious children and Them who have not. None of Us want Them to become one of Us. We don't want to be Us. We want to be Them. 

Then there are those people who are Them and cross the line over to Us to bring us some kind of comfort. Those people are truly beautiful because to do so means they have to leave the safety of Them and travel to the ugly side of Us. They don't do it to make themselves feel better like many of Them, but to listen to our cries of injustice, to sympathize and grieve with Us. Those are the wonderful human beings I choose to keep in my life. They will be my new family and friends. I choose to keep the positive and get rid of the negative because I've already loss too much and don't have time for those who only want me and my family when we are at our best. 

I know Genevieve and God are pushing these people into my life. They know I need the good Thems. They know the hubby and I can't do this alone. They are also pushing more Us our way.  Those of Us we have met, are a godsend. I'm so thankful to have other people in my life who truly know what I am going through. They help pick me up when I am down and offer advice and support when I truly need it. It sucks that there are so many of Us out there. Babies shouldn't die, and parents shouldn't had to make funeral arrangements for their kids. 

Unfortunately, we all die. Some of us way too soon and the rest of us are here to pick up the pieces.