Worry

Let me preface this post by saying, I've never before feared nothing and everything at the same time. It's an odd and annoying feeling to fear nothing and yet be worried by everything. It's very peculiar. 

I worry about stupid things and don't fear things I used to dread. Like needles. I was that kid who had to be pinned down by 5 nurses in order to get a shot. The thought of needles would make my stomach curl and my head light. Never would I have donated blood or go to acupuncture. Yeah acupuncture. I actually did that. I think she put around 20 needles in my abdomen and legs and I didn't bat an eye. 

No fear compares to losing a baby, except one. The thought of losing another baby. That fear paralyzes me and causes me to wake up in the night sweating. It has been hard enough to lose one baby, but to lose two seems unbearable. Yet, some people have learned to carry that burden. I don't know how. I don't know how I'm surviving now. 

It's this feeling of inadequacy of not being able to give birth to a living baby that has me overly sensitive to some things or people. This feeling is what's causing my anxiety and it sucks. I constantly question everything I do. I have this open wound where my heart should be and I'm waiting for it to scab over. Except in the meantime, the parasitic feeling of worry is eating at the wound, forcing it to grow bigger. That's why I'm irritated. That's why my shoulders carry the burden and stress of my feelings. That's why I can't relax or breathe or even get pregnant like I want. It's all consuming. 

I've decided to take control of my anxiety. I have a new therapist, started seeing an acupuncturist, and treated myself to a massage. I want my mind and body to be ready to give my all to my next pregnancy and my next baby, no matter the outcome.