Guilt is such an ugly emotion that shows its face at every weak second of the day. It's something that has become a part of everyday life. After all, I was the one with the liver condition and she died inside of me. I feel like my body betrayed me. I know in my mind that it is not my fault. I didn't tell my liver to attack itself, I didn't tell her liver to fail, but guilt throws aside all logic and reason and pours acid and pain into my heart.
My addiction of liking to control my life, feeds into the guilt beast. It has me feeling hopeless and weak. The guilt sets in because, of course, if I could control this, it never would have happened. I would have had a healthy 6 pound 6 ounce baby girl who came home with us, but fate had other plans. We came home alone with a suitcase full of "whatifs."
Guilt hasn't just plagued me, it has infected the people around me. My husband feels guilty leaving me at home when he goes to work. He feels guilty if he can't respond to a text I sent because I had a total meltdown. My friends who just had babies feel guilty that their babies lived and mine died.
If sadness is my first strongest feeling, guilt is my second and it's ugly.
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