Em

Dear Genevieve, 

On Thursday, I visited my friend and her baby. This was the baby I asked you to look after. I was very nervous to meet her because I didn't know how I would feel seeing her. I planned to be there for only an hour and I told your dad he HAD to answer the phone when I left in case I needed him. Well, I didn't stay there an hour. I stayed there four. 

It was so interesting holding Emily. She wiggled and made faces. I wasn't expecting it, because you didn't do that when I held you. Even though I know she was alive and you were not, it still came as a surprise. She was so sweet. My friend let me snuggle on her and feed her. It was all stuff I wasn't really able to do with you. 

There were a few times that I started to tear up because I missed you. But mostly, I felt inspired. I hoped I would  and I was pleased I was. I learned that I am ready to be pregnant. Before I desperately wanted to be pregnant, and now I know I'm ready. 

I know a pregnancy after losing you will be difficult. I know it will be scary. I know I will have freak out moments where I am convinced that the baby has died. I know all of this, and I'm still ready. I'm ready because I know when I see your brother or sister wiggling in my arms and screaming his or her head off that it was all worth it. 

I'm sure seeing a live baby will cause me to miss you even more, but I know a part of you will be living through your siblings. I know you will be looking after him or her.  And I know you will be protecting him or her. I'm ready for all of it and I finally feel confident that a healthy baby is coming to me. 

I'm sure there will be times that I forget that and feel beaten and lost. My hope is that in those times you will remind me that my happy and healthy baby is coming to me. Please remind me that you are always watching and that you love me. Sometimes it's hard to remember. 

I love you and miss you always baby girl. 

Love,

Mommy