Missing You

Dear Eve Believe,

I just miss you. I want you to come back to me. I want to hold you and kiss you and cuddle you. I'm tired of trying to get pregnant again because I shouldn't have to start over. I should just have you. If you lived, you would have probably been my only baby. I would have been so happy with only you. We would have been so happy with only you. Now, trying to have another baby seems impossible. It only took me four cycles to get pregnant with you. It's now my 7th cycle.  I try to think positively about it and I'm trying to change my focus, but next to you, trying to get pregnant is my most common thought of the day.  

My most common thought is always about you. I wonder how much you would have grown and changed. Would you look more like me, your dad, or both of us? Would you have a full head of dark or blonde hair? What color would your eyes be? Would you have dimples? What would your favorite food be? Would I still be breastfeeding you? Would you be a good sleeper?  All these questions float in my mind, and I won't learn any of the answers for a long time. 

So I wonder how much longer is going to take for me to get pregnant? When I get pregnant, will I get to bring home a baby? What are the next nine months going to be like? Will I be able to hold it together? What if this baby dies too? Am I even ready to get pregnant again? These questions I could have an answer to in the near future and so I sit here impatiently for the answers. 

I feel so helpless. I can't control anything. I couldn't control you dying. I can't control getting pregnant. I have no control and I hate it. I want to be able to help the process, but I can't seem to do that right either. I've been trying so hard to think positively because giving positive energy helps to return positive energy. Sometimes I feel I am foolish. Why would I get positive things? I was a good person before and you still died.  I tried so hard to protect you and I couldn't save you. I'm so frustrated, Eve Believe. 

Please help your mommy out. It feels as if your far away and I haven't gotten a sign from you in a long time. If you are giving them and I'm just not seeing them, help me open my eyes. I can use all the help you can give. I love you and miss you always. 

Love,

Mommy